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WHY DO WE FALL IN LOVE IF WE JUST GET HURT?
Posted by visualinked • 11/23/08 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: love
Have you been in love?
Why do we invest emotion if we just get hurt in end? Ohhh i hate the power of love!
User Comments
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Because we don't expect getting hurt in the end. -
Love is beauty but not every beauty have love....
If you fall in love, you must be ready to get hurt in your hearth...
It so sad..
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Haha someways your right
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One word: Masochism.-
Well I'm a sadist so we should get along just fine.
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Love is a weakness. Can't you ever fall in hate?
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I've fallen in hate more times than I'd like to admit....
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Because people are stupid. Because people care more about cherishing the feelings of love than making sure the relationship they're investing so much time an money into is worth saving during rough times.-
By the way did you ever fall in love before ?
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Nope. I'm just cynical as hell.
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Actually, VK, I wouldn't call you cynical on this, just pragmatic.
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Because we forget how painful it is when it ends.-
Well quit forgetting.
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Im scared now of investing emotions coz i know in end i may not gain happiness but instead sadness deep in my heart
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i am beginning to believe i do so because i must be a sucker for self inflicted pain. -
you have to know what love is before you commit- and honestly most people currently think that love is feeling you get right before all the clothes hit the floor...
Love is sacrifice and that- is why it hurts. Love is choosing to put someone else's needs before your own.
If you go into a relationship knowing that you will sacrifice your heart for the good of someone else, then you will choose more carefully who you choose to make that sacrifice to...
A caveat to this is that often one person is willing to make the sacrifice and the other could care less. The goal is to find someone that is not selfish and self absorbed. You have a much better chance at being happy if both of you are willing to serve each other before yourselves.-
I don't think the sacrifices of love are necessarily painful. It is when one loves more than the other...when one's love is not returned or it is disdained...that love becomes painful.
Your point about being willing to serve each other is a good one. Too often I see people take a "diva" approach to love, where the other person's sacrifice is the definition of love, and reciprocity is not even on the menu. I blogged about one such relationship here sweetvioletsa.blogspot.com/2008/09/did-you-hear-what-she-said-run-dude-run....
I've been sick for the last three days and my husband, who normally groans in displeasure if I ask him to run to the store for me, has been fetching and carrying and going out for such things as tea and ice cream and cake for me. That's sacrifice, giving up Top Gear to go to the store and get juice for your sick wife. That's love!
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I agree I wasn't very clear in my last post... What I meant was that we give our heart for someone else to hold. that is the sacrifice. A consequence is that when they hurt... they squeeze our heart! and that hurts! - and ultimately if they do not love us, our heart is broken from their disdain. - as you said very well SweetViolet
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If you were dead you wouldn't feel anything. Being dumped lets you know all of the tumultuous feeling but this way you know you are alive. It is part of growing up and a great feeling to know Love. Without it life would be boring. Cheer up!
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Because its the irony of life. We live here in this world to love and get hurt.
sydneytherealme.blogspot.com/ -
Love sucks. It's evil and stupid. It makes people stupid. It makes me stupid. I've done it 3 times in my life, totally against my will. DON'TLET IT HAPPEN TO YOU! beware!-
same i've it 3 times too...
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sorry for you too then, aainnblog
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well, that's certainly one way to look at it.
On the other hand, you can take a lesson from your negative experiences so you can avoid those pitfalls again. The lessons you take should be lessons about yourself more than lessons about others.
For example: are you drawn to men who are hot, the kind other womeh envy you for? do you give give give, silently hoping he will give back with the same intensity? do you pick men you think you can fix? or men who want to fix you? Men who enjoy sports and their buddies more than time with you?
It really isn't that hard to stay away from the guys who are bad news. After my husband died I only dated two men before I remarried...both very nice guys, one who remains a friend, the other now my husband for 5 years. In my younger years I had a string of broken hearts because I was choosing the wrong kinds of men for the wrong kinds of reasons.
So, instead of giving up or resuming the same painful game, try a new game plan and create balanced relationships with emotionally healthy men. (Yah, I know they are difficult to find, but that's what makes the game worthwhile...actually finding one!) -
violet- I tend to be drawn to various types of men. The one's I've fallen in love with are taotally different. The only thing in commen is that they were all accidental(I mean guys I had no interest at first, who were friends, and grew on me) The only thing I can think of is that it's ME, not them. I think I tend to be clingy.
I know what you're saying though. It's just fresh in my mind right now. -
Haha somehow i agree with u. I feel stupid when i love someone
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For me, because that's what love or relationship is all about. you give and you take or better yet, you give without expecting anything in return. somehow, it all comes back to you when you least expect it. I'm not a martyr, but i'd rather be the one getting hurt than hurting other people.
stilettoedpraline.typepad.com/ -
But it still hurts when someone steps on your heart and grinds it into the ground
and then strings you along for weeks
that's what I'm talking about-
thanks for reminding me....now I'll be a bitter b*tch again for days
oh wait....did I ever stop being one?
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because we fall in love i.e. not purposely but unintentionally.
It happens naturally and not planned. -
Hi. There is an old French proverb that I find is pretty accurate as to whether it will be I or Him that gets hurt the most. It goes like this. "In love, there is one who kisses and one who offers the cheek." I'm ususally the one who kisses. I offer my love openly and it's taken, abused and never returned. I can't think of when a man loved me more than I loved him. If you can't accept that kind of heartbreak, then don't fall in love.-
"then don't fall in love"
I don't seem to have any control over that.
Is it even possible, you think? I would love to know how not to (seriously) -
[Is it even possible, you think? I would love to know how not to (seriously)]
Exercise pure willpower. Strengthen your resolve. Hate everyone.
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willpower? i don't have that
I don't like hating people. In fact, I really can't think of anyone I actually hate. -
Why go in a running race if you don't come first?
Love and hurt are two completely different experiences but the thing is, what is your greatest joy can also be your greatest pain.
Some people are addicted to the emotion that they assume to be love and they go around and around trying to recreate the same experience, but sometimes they are more addicted to the emotion called pain. It sounds odd but it's true.
People often leave relationships which are abusive and then navigate straight towards a very similar experience with the next partner. We are all addicts to certain emotions. -
why does the sun go on singing
why does the sea rush to source
don't they know it's the end of the world
Couse you don't love me any more...
enjoy it.. -
"then don't fall in love"
No, I don't know how to do that either, unless I lock myself away from the world. If I am anywhere around a man who says a kind word or gives me a kind look, I'm like a little abused dog that someone pats on the head, and the dog wants to follow him home. What I don't understand is, why when I get there, the door is closed in my face.-
because that kind of behaviour has the stamp of "desperation" and "neediness" all over it, which makes most people run for the hills for fear of being swallowed by it. People with complementary neuroses, however, will open the door wide and then take and take and take from you until you are wrung out or they find a "better" victim.
The first step in overcoming this kind of neurotic pas de deux is self awareness and it looks like you've got that well in hand. The second step is a good therapist...trust me on this, once you have self-awareness, a good therapist can work miracles!
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Thanks, Sweet Violet. You hit the nail on the head. Neediness and desperation are perfect words. The last man I was interested in could not overcome his love and hurt by his last wife that betrayed him. I knew that the only way he would ever be interested in me was if I treated him as badly as she had treated him. I couldn't do it. That's sort of what I meant above about one kissing and one offering the cheek. He was crazy about her, and I was crazy about him, etc. We want the one that doesn't want us. And when someone does care about us, and maybe they don't seem as exciting, then we are the one that turns them away. But if we could just turn around and look behind us, and see that someone loves us and wants that chance and give it to them then maybe we could be happy. It's crying over the ones we can't have that hurts so much. Also, when someone is hurting you, you need to learn to see the signs and let go sooner. I really do have self-awareness about this. It still hurts though. I do have a therapist, but we've never talked about this problem. It seems that no matter what I talk about his answer is appreciate what's good in your life, forget the bad in your past, and try to get as much out of your life as you can. Also, don't let people take and take from you. Know when to walk away. This has been an interesting discussion. Thanks to everyone for posting. Carol Jean
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You make some good points, but it sounds to me like you need a new therapist, perhaps a woman.
In my case, my trackrecord with bad men came down to one thing: trying, time and again, to get people who didn't love me to change their minds and love me. Everytime I would end up alone (sometimes I broke it off, sometimes the man did) I would somehow managed to find myself someone else to love who didn't really love me. In fact, I actually avoided the ones who might because then I couldn't play out my little subsconscious drama of having someone I loved desperately but who didn't love me, and then try to win them over (a perpetual replay of an unresolved childhood issue).
When we are "broken," we are attracted to other broken people. Five years of therapy with a good therapist brought me around to where not only am I whole, I attract those kids of people to me as well. Sure, I meet and are friends with many people who aren't but now that I am, I have clear boundaries that don't allow me to be sucked in or sucked up by those people.
You sound smart and you sound self-aware. I really think you need a therapist who can guide that self-awareness into the kind of epiphanies and self-care that allows you to be whole again. Try to talk about this with your therapist and if he still gives you silly platitudes, look for a woman who specializes in women's issues.
All the best to you!
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the time u spend together makes u forget all those 'hurting' stuffs... -
Hello Sweet Violet, you've made some good points here. I was unloved and abused as a child, and have allowed bad people to treat me the same way. What you said about clear boundries...the last two years I've had to realize that my own brother and sister use me and suck me dry, so that I've had to break off with them. It was very hard. They dump their problems on me for an hour without me getting a word in or asking me, "And how was your day?" Very one sided. By not having these people in my life, it's less stressful, but I haven't been able to replace them with good people, because I'm isolated by health problems. I'm confined to this house and that's why I'm trying blogging to see if I can come in contact with some people with like minds. What you said about self-care is also an issue. I treat myself very badly. Maybe a new therapist would help. I'll think on it. Thanks for your input. Carol Jean
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Having had the same kind of childhood history, including other family members who behave like your sibs, I can empathize.
But you have a good start...that self-awareness is actually the most difficult of the steps to recovery and you have already found it. It can be scary to leave a hurtful past behind because it is all we know, but it really IS better on the other side. Sometimes the unknown is worse than a familiar pain, and my experience was that as I got better and stronger, certain members of my family got nastier and meaner...they were losing their scapegoat and victim as I got stronger. I do not mean to imply it is easy to take control of your life and your emotions, because it is not. But, it is a situation that the pain and work actually have a positive outcome that you can be proud of...the pain you suffer at the hands of selfish family members and through your own unresolved issues do not have such a reward.
Talk about these issues with your therapist and if you don't get support and encouragement and direction, look for someone more skilled and less given to platitudes. If I could do it, anybody can.
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Because people need need to love... "We are used to loving" as Niezsche said. -
i do because it beats goin' bowling all the time.
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you never get anything without risk... -
If you find the right person you won't get hurt. Try to see the warning signs when you are dating and stay away from those who can possibly hurt you. -
No pain, no gain...especially in love. -
The only things regrettable is the things we don't experience. The risk is getting hurt, the reward is feeling great! There is always tomorrow when you get hurt, a new day and a new love -
I think you're going about it the wrong way, Visualinked. Love is not an investment. Nobody in their right minds would invest in it if all it guaranteed was pain. Love is an emotion beyond your control. In a world that controls, and plans every single detail of one's life, love can often leave you hapless and give you some great moments too.-
Hello Sweet Violet, You're right, my family did get mean, because I was going to change and not allow them to use me anymore. So because that's all they wanted me for, now they have nothing else to say to me. Well, that's fine with me! I was getting sick from their stress, and now I feel much better. At first it seemed wrong to not call them, but after a while, I forgot all about calling them. I couldn't believe it! I was free! Thanks for your help. Carol Jean
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People told me that getting hurt is the essence of falling in love with someone.
click: adelodextermacaldo.blogspot.com -
Well, as J. Geils put it: Love Stinks.
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hahaha love stinks???
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Thats what he said.
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ROFL.. @voodooKobra That is really funny! - I actually have some friends... (heheh I am still laughing!) oh nevermind! LOL
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Id like to tell myself that u get hurt because u love
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Because infatuation is like a foreign minister mistaken love is blind as lover refused to see. Such Foreign Infatuation is blundering generous lover refused to budget for an ego so insecured might be dessident ressession.
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Love love love
Why we must be fall in love ? ...-
Because u have the heart
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My hearth is died, since she broken it.
it very hurt you know that...
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Or, as the beatles put it, Love is all you need.
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aainnblog:
As long as your alive u never stops loving but sometimes i feel scared coz i know in the end u will get hurt -
ur right.. that is love
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because being in love is the greatest feeling in the world. even if you're a fatalist and you think it's going to end badly, there's so much to savor before it does end.
the worst thing i ever went through was a break-up with somebody i fell deeply in love with. but as awful as the end and aftermath were, the good memories are still wonderful. those are what i remember. -
Because we don't get hurt at the end
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