Discussions
Will you join my Cult?
Posted by acousticguitarist • 6/26/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: the cult of the red panda
I promise eternal life.
Wanted, women between 25 and 35, must be gorgeous
User Comments
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Is this SPAM?
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No, it's my cult. Spam would have a product to sell. I want to obtain cult members
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but you are asking for money, no? Every Cult does. For example Christianity wants 10% for the "personal relationship with Jesus Christ" that they are selling
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The money will belong to all of us, I'll start a trust acount
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@AgitAr
Are you referring to the Sunday donations? -
you've morphed back into the gnome
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Certainly. I only ask for two things in return:
a] a cup of tea and a quality broadsheet newspaper delivered to my bed every morning and
b] 72 nubile male virgins-
the tea is fine - tick
the others no, it's my cult
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Go to 45
And I'll consider it.-
under certain conditions yes
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OK - depending on those conditions... Cool beans.
I'm in...
Gimme the E-book lecture - and where do I send all of my money? (looks at bank account statement of 42 cents.)
Oh - and when does the sex start? I'm ready. -
we are very private about our activities
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It looks like I am overqualified...-
maybe
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Is there any sins in this cult or are we just good to go?-
sins
lacking intelligence, but I would consider ignoring that in special cases.
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ANy bonus? What about sex and coffee?-
no men thanks, unless you can do carpentry
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I haven't practised sawing in several thousand years, but I can still bring the dead to life
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well I don't need to cover the eternal life thing, but if I join I gotta get some special title within the group lol-
i'll work on a title
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WIll there be lots of cute red pandas to cuddle?
Coffee?
Music?
I'm in -
all around the room
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I wish I was a girl. Then I could be in your cult. Sigh.-
I agree, this is just being mean. We want in on the cult business! -
maybe I should write an eBook $47 - How to Start a Cult and Annoy Your Members Friends Because They No Longer Talk To Them
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Dude - Your MEMBER has Friends?
Duuuuude... That's SOOO cool.
So like when they wanna talk - do you put your phone closer to your member? -
That's an image I won't get out of my head in a hurry. Excuse me while I go and vomit on myself...
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I'm a little older than your specifications. But I bake a mean batch of chocolate chip cookies!-
Goodness... some women will use absolutely ANY asset to get in
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We work with what we have!
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is it organic chocolate
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I *only* use organic chocolate.
They are decadent but completely healthy! -
is it biodynamic flour...
What year is your Martin? -
1968. I love it so much.
And yes--of course! biodynamic flour--natch!
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Aw man...I hate being 22
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we could change the birth certificate, add a wrinkle
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She can have a year or two of mine. Then we can both get in?
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are you promoting homosexuality..
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no thanks, not all. But if you need a partner, I'm sure you'll find one, just photoshop your picture until you look better
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I'd love to but... can't. I don't fit in your demographic.-
It's his loss, TSR! Neither do I!
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you can be in charge of cabbages
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Cabbage wrangler-- cool. Can I put that on a business card?
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Just make an advert like this cult
www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1RaKWS6jb4
The ladies will be running to you!-
they've come a ,long way from standing on the street looking like insurance salesmen doing profiling.
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I can't join, being the wrong gender. But I'd happy to apply for the job of recreational director.-
Ok, sen me the CV, has to be written in php though
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Now, I want to hear about this eternal life thing... -
It's happening NOW, but no-one realizes it... apart from the cult leader, I mean the ONE
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Didn't I see this in a Jet Lee movie or Keanu Reeves movie or something?
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no, not possible, unless they channeled my brsin
Goodnight my devotees are waiting -
It must be a private cult with many secret words.
I've never heard of a "brsin." -
that's code for brain
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You'll need, of course, a doctor to provide health checks to your followers ... pick me!! -
acupuncture?
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If that's what it takes! Ummm, ya! I can do that. What about a Gyno? All those women ...
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Are there cookies?-
gluten free
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*throw on a Guy Fawkes mask and starts to protest*-
no fires thankyou
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OMG! This is discrimination. I'm an older woman and your personal friend (ahem - remember?) so I demand an equal opportunity to get into your cult.
I have lots of skills and talents. I excel at threatening to parboil paternalists and their female sycophantic parasites if they don't believe in what the cult believes in. Am I in?-
you can blog if you want, we need a blogger
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I'll blog but I also have to be able to sing
whenever and wherever I want to. -
"parboil paternalists and their female sycophantic parasites"
awsome -
Thank you -- thank you -- I couldn't resist
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can sing tim minchin?
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- Tim Minchin - If I Didn't Have You
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gaid72fqzNE
But with all my heart and all my mind I know one thing is true
I have just one life and just one love and love that love is you
And if it wasn't for you
Baby you
(I really think that I would)
(Have somebody else)
Oh yeah
(If I didn't have you)
If I didn't have you someone else would do
(Someone else would surely do)
Dooooooooooooo.
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I would join, but I've already found eternal life. It was in the bottom of my Cracker Jacks box.-
Thank God I wasn't drinking coffee!
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cracker jacks?
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Caramel popcorn w/ peanuts and a prize inside:
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no, i couldn't eat that stuff, it comes in a packet
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Will you promise an endless supply of tropical fruit in particular kiwi and I am almost 97% sure I will join.-
mangoes, papaya
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Ok sign me up....you know as long as there's no weird kool-aid ending I think I can do this.
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I am a 28 year old dude but I have longish hair...do I count? By the way I am gorgeous...like Fabio-
lol....fabio?
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I am a dreamboat baby!
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I cahn't buhleeve iss nah buttah
spray -
that was an awesome commercial!
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LOL--it truly was. Classic.
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mtyler, let's start our own cult
Only hot guys who look and sound like Fabio can get in. -
@hatingtherain--you got it, girl! That sounds like a far better cult. I even have the name: Cult of the Cabana Boys Who Worship HatingtheRain and Mtyler77.
We will be happy to take applications. Please send a nude photo, resume, and your bank statements. Especially the bank statements. -
i think we'll send you to christmas island
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I'll join but never mind the photos just send the bank cards and pin numbers to us first and we'll send the application out to them upon receipt.
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But TT--we only want good looking stupid men!
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@AC. Christmas Island sounds like a great place. Do I get presents every day of the year?
I hope so, because I am high maintenance. -
Hmmm ... if Anok and I get to interview all the men first
then we could have a viable business plan here. -
@TT--Perfect. I have complete faith in you and Anok to get the job done right.
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get the job done right
You don't know how funny that really is.
We are survivalists so metrosexuals are out of the running. -
christmas island is where they lock up illegal immigrants trying to get iton Australia, a bit like Gauntanamo but without the torture
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illegal immigrants trying to get it on Australia
lol ... I'm not touch that one on the forum.
In a PM maybe ... -
I still trust you and Anok. But I want to see all survivalists in a camouflage speedo. Period.
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I get to interview hot men?
Hot damn! -
@Anok
Pssst!
- {{{Muuhhhuuaaa!
Under the guise of us two conducting prepaid survivalist examinations prior to entry, I'm setting this up so we get the money and the the men first, before anyone else claims them. }}}
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"Wanted, women between 25 and 35, must be gorgeous"
Well...i guess that counts me out! Doh!!!-
Shhh ... he doesn't need to know the truth until after you are accepted.
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Can you belly dance?
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I can ...
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I do carpentry work, but would end up "nailing" everything in the cult.
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can you do Shaker furniture?
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I think he might just Shake the furniture.
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This image is the property of another site and is used as an example of shaker furniture -
Shaker furniture... Carriage clocks... wtf is this, 'Antiques Roadshow' !
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it's pure beauty, if my cult has beautiful women, it must have beautiful furniture with fine lines
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so... incorporating other religions. It's been done before
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The model I'm going to use is similar to others but we are better, but really, we must have quality furniture
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I can shake all yer furniture.
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Dang ya beat me to it.
LMAO! - GMTA
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I'm still trying to figure out how his MEMBER has friends.
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They've seen the member.
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Are you suggesting that to see the member is to &hearts the member?
Just checking ... -
Probably more like lust the member. lol
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lol ... I can't think of a smart retort
that wouldn't provoke a "report". -
Sort of a poetic retort report?
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which member?
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The carpenter's member.
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His voice is really good, and he's got a good band behind him.
Plus he's funny! It's too good.
And I havent been silently stalking the goings on of your cult, I swear. That link is the only comment I've read -
We're friendly come on in and have a cuppa.
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If I bring it in on a tray, will the red panda grab it?
It so, I'm bringing a tray -
Johnny, I know your watching us and have listening devices hidden near the spa
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it must be sampled first before I get it
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No - no - no... I mean your member in:
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[report]
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acousticguitarist
9 hours ago
acousticguitarist
maybe I should write an eBook $47 - How to Start a Cult and Annoy Your Members Friends Because They No Longer Talk To Them
I mean - your "member" has friends and YOU want to ANNOY them?
I say - the more the merrier... LMAO!
But hey...
It's Your Member... -
You dont have to drink any of it. Just dangle from the tray awesomly.
And can I be your bodyguard? The one who checks for poison in your food? -
Lol, shes on about your other type of member
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I guess I went the wrong way with that thread. lol
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It took y'all that long to figure out which member I was talking about?
Sheesh.... MEN.
*grin* -
I shall return it to Spiritual Matters, the belly dance group will be starting at 9.30
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I'll join if u let the guy off august rush join.-
I heard that Kaki King played all the real guitar in that.
She signed a CD for me and it says "Worlds best guitar blogger" -
Kool!!!
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That's a lot of woman ur collecting...-
not as many as some religious people and other cults
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no, never! I'm afraid! hehehehe...-
but we will also have a Korean chef
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oh i see! but i'm still afraid that the table would collapse. hehehe...
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Well u still didn't answer. Can the hottie from august rush join or not,hmmmmm? u know we have to have the accent.
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no he's out
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Well fine then I'll just start my on cult then.
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that's fine, I don't want troublemakers, my members won't talk to you now.
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Ya promise
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Damn, I don't fit those descriptions :'(-
can you do Tuvan Throat Singing?
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No, but I know some Azeris that do.
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Have you seen Ghenkis Blues?
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I don't fit the criteria -
you can write some good clean code
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so will you go live on a big boat to avoid taxes and develop story lines based on aliens so no one can really check what you are saying is true and make everyone believe they are the chosen ones?
Oh sorry just remembered thats already been done-
no boat, some of devotees might get seasick. they will be the chosen
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hot air balloon? *she snickers*
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spacecraft
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will there be a commune down the strawberry fields where people eat peaches and sing to Jim Morison's light my fire?
scuse me while i kiss the sky -
cellos and violas
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Umm you don't serve KoolAid right? Because if you do I'm just not going to be able to join your cult.
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we could arrange some if you meet the criteria, you could be one of the SPECIAL ONES, the inner circle
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Some people are just so greedy ;P
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yes but we can retrain them to be subservient
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I'll join yours if you join mine.
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i'm a leader not a follower
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I joined already and you never knew that. I sneaked in, before your stringent criteria was announced.-
i saw creeping around the halls and I thought, oh she'll be ok
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Hmmm. Forget the eternal life I will be happy with the eternal supply of coffee Oh and maybe throw in a couple of brownies too.-
only organic coffee here
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and only "special" brownies
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no special brownies
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You won't let me in, so I'll just take my brownies and leave! so there
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you can join, but no magic cookies, I don't want my cult members dancing with flowers in their hair at 3 AM, playing bongos and singing chorus's from Frank Zappa's Overnight Sensation. Or eating Datura and telling us that they now have a deep understanding the Tonal and the Nagual
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how do you feel about a 35 year old woman going on 27? Ps: I'm Irish so I can do jigs after meals to keep the masses entertained!-
oh yes I like the Irish, My grandfather was Irish
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Eternal life? Who'd want that?
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well if your life is boring you'd dread the thought
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No restrictions you cute red panda. I am joining anyway! -
thanks, bring ice cream
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How about some grapefruit sorbet so we may clean our pallets?
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Shame I only match one of those requirements and its the first, really thought this was the cult for me, the search must continue, when will my cult arrive.-
what "I promise " or "wanted"
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What you wanted.
I'm all up for the promise. -
can you cook Samosas? We need a Samosa chef
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Vegetable or meat? I can multi-task and they'll taste delicious, so yes.
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only organic veges thanks
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should i have a sex change to join your cult?
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no, just research some great Celtic musicians
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LOL you know how to win people over
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wanna buy a watch?
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Um how much is that @@
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how much have you got? I'll organise one to suit your budget
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don't spam my cult, we'll get security onto you, I have a team of ninjas ready to strike at any moment. Don't do it again
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And uhmmmm... when do we get nekkie?
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whatie?
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looking for new recruits the morning
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looking for more members
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Don't Join crPitts Gang, my cult is better-
it's what happens when you're so picky about members...I'm joining her gang...
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they gossip too much
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Gossip? What the heck is that?
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it's when people say the truth about others in an emotion sarcastic self righteous way
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Did you say gossip girl? i watch that show too.
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Sorry Tony I'm already in a cult called Nachoism. Feel free to join, we're worshippers of nachos and beer.-
that's an odd mix, all our food is organic, washed in water from the Himalayan Alps, with no yellow melted snow, strained through bio dynamic bamboo shoots
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I only could be in it for a year but I will bring the food ( I grew most of it) and a horse that some one could ride down the street naked to draw attention to said cult. I am so in.-
you'll need to have a little rug to sit on
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I agree with SWEETVIOLET...I'm just waaaay over qualified.
Bawhahahahaahahah!!! -
like too gorgeous
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My teaching today is "Eat donuts"
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only woman?-
no vikings
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I would not join any club that would have someone like me for a member. Besides, I'm too young. :-))-
that's a famous quote
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I'm not old enough...-
must be as old as Yoda, yes
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If by yes you mean no then yes
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