Discussions
Women Who Cry Wolf...
Posted by lotusb • 1/02/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: MEN, relationships, women
I have a few girlfriends who have been perpetual man-bashers. After every failed relationship they go on a tyrant about how worthless men are and how limited the good ones are. However, these are the same women who systematically either choose the worst possible guy or totally sabatoge the right one, then can't stand to be alone.
I've never belived the "no good men" hyper, personally. But I know a lot of people might. Do you think there is a shortage of good men out there, or do you think some women just need to stop complaining and take a closer look?
User Comments
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Definitely a shortage, but on both sides.-
If the shortage is equal, there isn't really a shortage...
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Sure there is. Those on the good side of the spectrum feel the pinch.
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I think it has more to do with people making too many bad choices for partners.
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is this a problem related to shortage of man or shortage of good hearted guys.-
Are you honestly confused or is that your answer? It's about shortage of good men.
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Those women are just being picky, or looking for the wrong qualities.
If you keep ending up with scumbags, maybe it's not the male population that's the problem...-
Thats how I see it too
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YES I think if this is the case, women must then take a closer look at themselves
because if all that you are getting is scumbags, take a look at yourself and ask what is it in me that keeps attracting these scumbags.
Maybe you are sending out the wrong subliminal messages and you are attracting scumbags because of it. Learning to attract the right man is priceless, some women are better at it than others, simply because they learned how to attract the good ones by sending out the right messages. I am not in this category as I am not in the market looking for a mate at the moment.
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Shortage? Possibly. I have grown intolerable over the years of those that tend to blame others for their poor choices and failed relationships rather than looking inside themselves. Whiners....would you like some cheese with that whine? -
I guess it would depend on where you are looking and what type you are looking for. -
It could be a combination of a lack of "good men" a societal change in what it means to be a "good man" and mile high expectations from women.
I was raised to believe that "good men" took care of their significant others (not in a chauvinist way), respected women, had manners, was hard working, and took initiative both at home and at work (ditto for women).
Looking around now, I see some societal changes in the sense that some good men are defining themselves as such because they have a job, no longer live with mom, and know how to do their own laundry, if you nag them. *shrug*-
Yea, I see a lot of that too. Ironically woman's standards have gone up to unreachable heights. Some women are so busy waiting for Brad Pitt to come along that they pass up on great guys.
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It's not a shortage, that's just scaremongering. You have to call it a man crunch, that may or may not turn into a shortage at some time in the future. -
I wouldn't say there is any more of a shortage today than there ever was. But there are an awful lot of people out there (men and women) who choose their partners for all the wrong reasons, have entirely unrealistic expectations of them, and then are disappointed when Mr/Ms Right doesn't emerge from the cocoon of an entirely unsuitable person.
I have a friend who, at the age of 37, was unmarried and starting to feel desperate. She had a history of chasing the commitment-phobic pretty boys who drove Porsches and hung out in the trendy night spots, and just couldn't figure out why she wasn't married yet.
I told her she was fishing in the playboy pond and if she wanted a husband, she needed to fish in the husband pond and suggested she start paying closer attention to the engineers and accountants. She said "oh, you mean those geeky guys we wouldn't even talk to when we were in university?" and I said "you've been out of university for 15 years, you know. It's time your taste in men grew up along with all your other tastes." She took my advice and four years later she is not only happily married, but the mother of an adorable 1-year-old. Her disappointment in previous men was not because they were truly awful men, but because she was choosing sow's ears and expecting them to become silk purses.
There are a lot of good men out there, but they generally aren't packaged like a GQ cover with one of those silly peaked hairdos, trendy flipped up collar and the poseur's sulky slouch.-
Preach on. I met my future husband almost 4 years ago after I decided to find a serious mate. He's a systems analyst, tells nerdy jokes, treats me like a queen and is the most amazing man I've ever met. Women should date with their minds instead of their eyes and Danielle Steele novels and there would definately be more marital bliss in the world.
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Great point SV. Sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking what society deems a "perfect man" isn't actually what we want or need in a life long partner.
Like Lotus mentioned above, and you mentioned here, waiting around and trying to snag the Brad Pitts and Playgirl dream boys is part of the problem. Just because they seem to have it all - they may not offer you anything worth taking in the long run, if they're even available. You're better off finding someone who is real, attainable, and suits you rather than society.
Like my husband
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Yup, Lotus, that's pretty much my experience. Mine is a mechanical engineer and my friend married an electrical engineer. Those techie guys can make pretty good husbands!
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I think it's more that women and men engage in shitty relationships. It bothers me whenever I witness or hear about how two people cannot be together because they are too much like "friends". Friendship and romantic relationship need to be merged. I think many women and men would find themselves to be much happier and understand each other better if they were more willing to bring the principles that formulate friendships into relationships. Rather than getting together because of this uncontrollable romantic desire that exists between two people, how about starting off with seeing if two people share the same interests, goals, activities, etc. Two people that can see eye-to-eye are going to be able to relate better, and from that positive relation, there could be a much healthier relationship where a guy who would initially be seen as bad will be much more inclined to be "good." I had a solely romantic relationship with a woman, and I was a total asshole because I didn't really understand her. I started dating a friend and I found that I was forced to curb my asshole behavior because I respected the woman and could see more fully what she was saying to me and asking of me.-
Being friends, or having a strong friendship certainly helps strengthen the marriage. It doesn't do all that much for you when you're stark raving pissed at your spouse or significant other....but it does strengthen the over all relationship.
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I don't agree. You couldn't find two people more different than my husband and me. He's Hindu, Indian, South African, an engineer, and 36; I'm a lapsed Catholic, white, American, creative, and 61.
We've been together 7 years and just celebrated our 5th anniversary. Differences give you things to talk about, questions to ask, new things to explore. Differences, if you respect each other, add variety rather than sink a relationship. How boring would it be if I was married to a male clone of myself?
Differences don't have to be volatile...ours aren't. But we are both very intelligent people who don't have a lot of issues or insecurities and who embrace the differences rather than fight about them.
Interestingly, he was one of the "overlooked" guys because most women seemed to think he was too ethnic, too geeky, too shy around strangers...all qualities I found fascinating...and still do.
You are right about respect being key, but you have the cart before the horse...you must respect people, women included, until they earn your DISrespect. That relationship you screwed up might have survived if you respected her from the beginning. -
Oh yeah, I mean friendship will only go so far. Romantic relationships do open a whole new door or annoying bullshit you have to deal with. Generally though, being able to go snorkeling together really breaks up the time spent fighting over who does the most housework.
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Friendship has nothing to do with cloning yourself with different genitalia. If I was saying that, I would say just masturbate while staring into a mirror.
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SV, I don't think his comment was about being homogeneous with your spouse. However, having certain key issues either in sync or discussed and decided upon prior to serious commitment does help make a smooth marriage.
For example:
Child rearing - your opinions on whether or not to even have children should be the same, and, ideologies on how to raise them should be compatible at best.
Money management - one of the biggest strains on marriages is the handling of finances. You and your spouse should have similar enough goals and strategies so that you are not creating strife by financially undermining each other.
Long term goals - be it career goals, family goals, or something else, if your dream is to retire in a tropical paradise while his to backpack through Europe instead of retiring, you might have some difficulty. Your goals should be compatible.
Etc and so forth. You don't have to be mirror images, just compatible.
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Arrggg my ex best friend is like that, she bashed men over and over and ever few weeks with a new "love of her life"
I think there is loads of good men out there, it is just a matter of finding the right one.
Success to all single people out there. -
I was one of those "man bashers" for quite a while honestly. And living in a metropolitan area with a high gay population, the dating pool seems quite small. The first two years I dated in DC, I came across everything from a man with a penchant for prostitutes to a man who still had issues with every last one of his ex's. The minute I gave up on dating and concentrated on myself, a pretty awesome guy fell in my lap. But I don't think I would have been receptive to him had I not taken some time away from the dating scene to concentrate on my interests and myself. Once you know who you are, your standards get higher and suddenly you don't mind being single for a long stretch of time while waiting for the guy that meets your standards to come along.-
You make an excellent point. After a very contentious divorce from a truly awful man, I withdrew from dating for two years and did some serious therapy. A truly awesome man "fell into my lap," as you said, who I was with for the next 12 years, nine of them as his wife. Sadly, he died, but I had broken the "wrong man" habit by then, and when I remarried it was to another great guy.
Taking time away from men, concentrating on yourself and your own issues, and making yourself a priority is a great idea. Learning how to love yourself and fulfill your own needs is a terrific way to protect yourself against seeking men to do those things for you...needy women seldom attract the well-balanced guys, at least not for long. -
I endorse that completely. You'd be surprised how hard it is to get people to understand the importance of "self improvement" and truly knowing and loving self before expecting to find true love elsewhere. My most heated discussions on BC always come when attempting to show folks that blaming "others" for personal shortcomings is backwards and misguided.
All men are not dogs, just all the men Miss Backwards dates are dogs. Isn't time Miss Backwards took a look in the mirror and try and determine why she keeps being attracted to, and attracting, dog-like men? I propose that her filtering and screening process is broken, and shallow, though there could be a host of other reasons also.
Your comment proves how far we can go when we build self first. Self-love must always precede romantic love.
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In my opinion
I think you find exactly what you look for, whether you realize that is what you are doing or not.
You teach people how to treat you.
The relationships in your life, are a reflection of yourself.
When you keep picking the same person, with different faces, over and over again, it's time to take a deep look inside yourself, and figure out what that (same) person is meant to teach you about yourself.-
I agree, completely, with you. You beat me to the punch. lol
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I've never subscribed to the all men are dogs club. My daddy biggest ass on the planet but I made a conscious effort never to date men like him and for the most part the ones I knew were asses from the door and still choose to date were simply that, asses.
You get what you seek. Many have already said this but some women are looking for husband material in playboy hangouts. If we think of this similar to grocery shopping, when I'm on the hunt for oranges I don't pick up bananas. The same thing applies to men. Nine times out of ten you'll get burned dealing with players.
Also some girls think they can change men. Let me rephrase a lot of women think they can change a jerkoff into a prince. Experience has taught me that jerks rarely change until they are ready regardless of the intentions or actions of females.
Bottom line girls no one is perfect, movies are just that fiction and find someone who respects and loves you flaws and all, you have to do the same. -
Some people are very immature and emotionally not ready for relationships. They will pick a partner who is inappropriate and then will throw their hands up in the air....crying foul! Its self sabotage at its best! -
there are plenty of good men, they're just difficult to locate, however, i'm hearing from reliable sources that google is about to add this feature to their search engine. you put in, "looking for a few good men near teaneck new jersey" and up pops their location on mapquest with little good man pins stuck all over the joint. well, teaneck might be a bad example but that's the scuttlebutt anyway.
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The dead man walking around in the attic; the skeleton rattling around behind the closet door.
These are the sounds a man often hears as he enters a shaky relationship. -
• Bashing makes the basher look worse than the bashee.
• There is a shortage of good men *and* good women both.
In other words, there is a shortage of grown-ups, IMHO. -
There is always a perceived shortage since every individual is made differently, making them uniquely compatible with a selected few. What is deemed a "dog" could be a knight in disguise for the next girl. -
To this day I do have trust issues with women when it comes to those kinds of relationships. Many women I know have trust issues with men. The idea could work both ways. -
I think that people in general don't treat one another well. -
I have never bought into the shortage theory. Every time I found myself single I had a few good men who were trying to date me, and I'm nothing special. If I can find them, anyone can because I don't go out looking. -
I hate women like that, that just complain and complain, people need to look at themselves after a failed relationship and figure out what they did to contribute to the breakup. I think there are a lot of good men out there but sometimes even two good people weren't meant for each other.
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For example, you and I.We might be meant for each other. -
exactly, you be the good guy and I be the naught girl and wrap my legs around you as you go in and...damnit, see what you make me think of when you say things like that
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A perfect man/women does not exist.You will have to tolerate a few things in a man.A man cant be all good.But if he has more good than bad..he's good.Same goes for women.
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In a recent post asking women if they dating a "good" guy or "bad" guy, I actually took a moment out to warned men how to spot the type women you mention out the gate:
"1) If you advance through a list of her last five to ten boyfriends and she tells you all of them did her wrong, then homegirl has serious issues. If every man she has ever dated was a horrible, trifling individual by her description, then you are looking at a drama queen. Let her tell it, she was never wrong in any her past relationships–she was always the poor, innocent victim preyed on and hurt and lied to and cheated on by every man she has ever dated. This chick, without exception, is a train wreck. Move out of her way as soon as possible, or else she will be telling the same stories about you six months later to some other guy.
Don’t be fooled by her innocent eyes and angelic smile, homegirl loves playing the role of the “victim.” It’s what she does. Women like this are never wrong in their eyes, and therefore, they are never able to accept responsibility for their actions. It doesn’t matter how hard you try to make the relationship work, she will find an excuse to sabotage it, because she isn’t happy unless she’s actually miserable. Avoid her at all costs."
We highlighted clues women can use to spot "good" men also, so it was a well rounded post, I think, called "Are You Dating A "Good" Guy or A "Bad" Guy?
Still, that quote I gave you should be the ultimate guide for guys hoping to avoid the type female you mentioned. -
Some people are just "dating handicapped." If they were given a choice of 9 fantastic men and 1 douche, they would pick the douche every time.-
and complain that "all men are douche bags"...not ever taking a moment to look at their selection process and filtering mechanisms.
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exactly
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