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Would you date someone your family hated?

Posted by sjtavo • 9/14/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: Dating

Having had a failed marriage and survived a subsequent abusive (and alcoholic) long-term relationship, my parents are always making the comment "we pick the next one!" But let's be honest - who our parents would pick for us and who would be a great fit for us could be at opposite ends of the spectrum... Would you date/commit yourself to someone who, in no uncertain terms, your family hated and could not stand, even if you were happy with him? Along with that....can you really be happy with someone who doesn't get along with your family (and we are assuming your family is a normal functioning family unit, not alcoholic inbred mutants from the planet mars - so you know, normal people LOL).... Thoughts?

User Comments

9/14/09

MadameX

I think it depends on what you mean by "hated". If my family thought someone was obnoxious or a bore or whatever...so what? It's my relationship. But if multiple people in my family (or close friends) seriously disliked someone from a character standpoint, I'd have to think seriously about why that was and whether they were seeing something that I hadn't allowed myself to see.

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1. 9/14/09
  
  sjtavo
  
  Hated in any sense - they could find him obnoxious, inappropriate, felt he didn't "treat" you right, etc... but in some way (or many ways) just didn't like him and didn't want him to come around.... I think until you bring someone around who your family hates, and then if/when the relationship ends you see WHY they disliked him so, it dictates your future dating prospects....one of my criteria is "needs to get along with my family - or at least not be an obnoxious disrespectful ass."
2. 9/14/09
  
  jafabrit
  
  Many in my family disapproved of my husband from the get go and didn't want me to marry him because he is as they said "a coloured man and a foreigner". Politically some also hated him (he had the audacity to question and challenge in a discussion on politics).
  He was never rude, or mean spirited. It took many of them over 20 years to come to terms with the fact he is a very good husband and father. So no I don't think my criteria was my family had to approve, my criteria is that my family support my decision (after considering their objections).
9/14/09

jafabrit

I agree with MadamX, depends on the reason. As for you question:"can you really be happy with someone who doesn't get along with your family"

Yes. thankfully both sides respect that I love them and don't want to make an issue of it and make me piggy in the middle. Add to that we live thousands of miles apart REALLY helps lol!

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9/14/09

bringbackpluto

I have. But it was more my family wasn't happy with my choice for whatever reason. Who know? Sometimes they're hard to figure out!! But it wasn't because she was obnoxious or anything like that.

It's always difficult when your family doesn't support you, but I don't think that should determine whether you date or marry someone. Often families come around when they see they were wrong. Or if the couple has kids and they see the person is a good father or mother.
If they were right, even then it can be a problem, because the person could end up being resentful to their family. Why? Because it's important to support someone and allow them to make their own decisions.....and mistakes!!!

Tough stuff!! (On both sides)

[reply]
1. 9/14/09
  
  sjtavo
  
  It is very tough - I'd like to think that (at this point in my life, finally) I wouldn't fall for anyone who wasn't respectful, had a drinking problem, etc.... I also think it's a bit hypocritical of my parents to want to "have a say" in who I date just because I'm divorced and have had one bad relationship. Two of my other siblings are divorced and remarried, my third sibling is separated from her alcoholic husband....I say let the pieces fall where they may and as long as I'm happy, safe and it's a healthy relationship, leave me be to make my own decisions. I think the reason they are soooo over-protective is because my last relationship was very abusive (six surgeries to repair his damage) BUT I am fine now, did therapy to "cure" myself of ever entering another abusive relationship, have healed phsyically, have a good outlook and have nipped any relationship in the bud once I saw warning signs.... so yes, while my track record may be marred, I do think they need to trust my judgement and let me go!
2. 9/14/09
  
  jafabrit
  
  I think that would be difficult considering what happened and having to watch you suffer.Not that I think they should have a say or you should seek their approval, they are just scared for you (and that is natural for any parent). Part of letting go is his setting up boundaries, which means the subject of your dating is not up for discussion.
9/14/09

nogueira

It depends on the man and the reasons of my family.

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9/14/09

SweetViolet

It would depend on the reasons: if they objected because of his race/colour/religion/politics/age/education and things of that nature, then I would ignore them.

If their objection was based more on character issues, bad habits, or information about him that he had hidden from me, then I'd be more inclined to listen.

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9/14/09

HollytheHousewife

LOVE IS BLIND

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