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Tag Search Results For 'auto fail life' (28)
The Itch
Squeak's Squeals | 1 hour ago by Squeak
Have you ever sat at home - wide awake at 6 o’clock on a Saturday morning - and felt the itch? The fierce internal need to go out and do something childish and stupid? It’s like an urge for a mini midlife crisis (or in my case, since read more
Lunatic Fringe
Squeak's Squeals | 13 hours ago by Squeak
I live in the suburbs. I am not a suburb kind of gal. I may be a little bit country, but a little bit suburban, I am not. I am perfectly comfortable in a little podunk, backwoods, inbred, redneck town, but I now reside in the ritziest, most upscale read more
Gee, officer, are you an ID10t?
Squeak's Squeals | August 22nd 2008 by Squeak
And now, an update on the continuing saga of Officer Sludge…. (and for those of you who are utterly confused right now, read THIS first)…. I just finished another phone call with our favorite, most obliviously unintelligent city cop, Offi read more
Gee, officer, I’m just a helpless woman….
Squeak's Squeals | August 21st 2008 by Squeak
The condensed story: Men suck and I am outraged. The back story: Yesterday, I completed a site for a local, high-ranking political figure which included information on a special task police team. For the site, I was responsible for the full desig read more
I like children, properly cooked.
Squeak's Squeals | August 19th 2008 by Squeak
Madam, there’s no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. - W.C. Fields My children. Oh, my children. I love them. I do. Very much. More than life itself, even. But the bottom read more
The smell of…. ewwww!
Squeak's Squeals | August 17th 2008 by Squeak
It’s been a long, LONG week in the world of the Squeak. It started on Wednesday when the girls’ daycare called to tell me JB was projectile vomiting all over the facility and I needed to come get her. They graciously gave her a bucket fo read more
The Brawler
Squeak's Squeals | August 13th 2008 by Squeak
My face hurts. My ear hurts. My jaw hurts. And, yes, there is a reason for it. I debated long and hard over whether or not to share this tidbit of my life with all of you for one reason and one reason only: It makes me look REALLY dumb. [...] read more
TGIC (Part Deux)
Squeak's Squeals | August 8th 2008 by Squeak
Well, folks, in an epic let down, I am afraid there is not much to post about the trip that had me so worried last week. Ultimately, the conversation went something like this: Doc: “So, your mom tells me we have a lot in common.” Me: R read more
A Date with the Gas Man
Squeak's Squeals | July 29th 2008 by Squeak
Please allow me to start by saying how truly happy I am to be back at the keyboard, sharing my most bizarre moments with total strangers. Thanks for sticking around. I’m back, baby! Now, on with the story!…. As most everyone knows at t read more
A Poem for the Elderly
Squeak's Squeals | May 7th 2008 by Squeak
I had nearly escaped this fateful day forgotten by friends and family. Then my 16-year-old cousin logged into his MySpace account and left me this little gem: guess what i was told from a little birdy i hear that someone has just turned 30! Suddenly read more
Aging process: Complete
Squeak's Squeals | May 7th 2008 by Squeak
Well, it’s official. I’m old. And the Grim Reaper didn’t pay me a visit in the night. I’ve survived to reach the first day of my next decade. Last night, I witnessed the foreshadowing of the beginning of the end. A plague read more
The End is Nigh!
Squeak's Squeals | May 6th 2008 by Squeak
At this exact moment, I am less than two hours away from bidding adieu to my spent youth and waving a brave howdy to the next psychotic decade of my life. I can feel the wrinkles deepening. I can feel the gray hair sprouting. I’m having chest read more
Sunday Confessional #2: Cheap Humor
Squeak's Squeals | May 4th 2008 by Squeak
Welcome, all, to the next installment of the Sunday Confessional! This week, I would like to confess to the world at large that I use my children for my own entertainment. No, not your cutesy little “Awww…. she said fwapper instead of f read more
I’ve been peeped!
Squeak's Squeals | May 2nd 2008 by Squeak
The kids, the Neanderthal and I went out to the local Chinese Buffet for dinner tonight. The kids love the seafood and we love that they can eat their body weight in shrimp without being left penniless. Anyway, about half way through our meal, anoth read more
Nadshot
Squeak's Squeals | May 1st 2008 by Squeak
The whole fam damily was outside relaxing this evening. Og was grilling ribs for dinner. The munchkins were in the backyard on the swing set, and I was kicked back in a patio chair enjoying the sunshine, when there came a yelp from the area of the read more
Sunday Confessional #1
Squeak's Squeals | April 27th 2008 by Squeak
Hello, hello! And welcome to this week’s edition of the Sunday Confessional! This week, I would like to take a moment and confess to my paralyzing fear of spiders. That’s right, kids, arachnophobia. In fact, I am so afraid of the li read more
I fought the lawn
Squeak's Squeals | April 27th 2008 by Squeak
Last Saturday was a beautiful day - the sun was shining, the breeze was warm and the grass was green…. and long. Og the Neanderthal was busying himself with washing and detailing the cars. I spent the morning working up a new look for my work read more
The Sound of Silence
Squeak's Squeals | April 25th 2008 by Squeak
I am alone. I am utterly alone. At this exact moment Neanderthal and the munchkins are well on their way to meet Doofhead, father of munchkins, and I have the entire weekend to myself. Happy Mental Health Weekend! What’s that, you ask? What read more
The Interview
Squeak's Squeals | April 24th 2008 by Squeak
Given the current state of things in my fluffy, pink universe, I am looking for full-time employment. I am not comfortable enough with the fluctuating freelance market to rely on it solely to support myself and my children. I will be continuing my read more
The Big Move(ment)
Squeak's Squeals | April 22nd 2008 by Squeak
It’s a sad news day, folks. Yet, somehow, it’s not. Maybe I’m in denial. Maybe I’ve had too much time to come to terms with the current state of my existence. Or maybe Obama is right and I really AM just bitter. Regardless read more
Old Fat Chick + Hopscotch = Bad Idea
Squeak's Squeals | April 8th 2008 by Squeak
I was sitting on the front porch watching the munchkins make chalk drawings in the driveway. I was sipping my tea, smoking my cigarette and minding my own business. Before I knew it, they had doodled themselves a sad-looking little hopscotch board a read more
Visual Lucidity
Squeak's Squeals | March 31st 2008 by Squeak
In my… um…. 15 times 2 minus slightly less than 1 … years of existence, I have been utterly confounded by these stupid magic eye pictures. No more, my friend! For I have mastered these convoluted spectacles of ocular obfuscation! read more
Yo Gabba Frodo
Squeak's Squeals | March 31st 2008 by Squeak
Why? Why, Frodo, why? For the love of God, man and country, why!?!?I will be forever scarred. Poor, poor Frodo. read more
The High Holy Intergalactic Order of the Jedi
Squeak's Squeals | March 31st 2008 by Squeak
In a recent article in the North Wales Chronicle, a tale is told of the Order of Holyhead Jedis from the UK Jedi Church. They have purchased a plot of moon land and intend to colonize it. All one acre of it. On the plus side, however, they DID pur read more
The crime scene
Squeak's Squeals | March 28th 2008 by Squeak
6am, the alarm started its blaring, vindictive beeping. It’s Friday! The one day of the week the sound of my black, plastic, Wal-Mart nemesis doesn’t bother me quite so much. I stagger out of my room, tugging on my bathrobe, and fire up read more
So easy a caveman could do it.
Squeak's Squeals | March 27th 2008 by Squeak
Some days, I can’t help but look lovingly at my Neanderthal and wonder how I lived without him. Most days, I can’t help but wonder how he survived on his own for 11 years. From his first waking moment, I am barraged with questions that c read more
The things they NEVER tell you
Squeak's Squeals | March 26th 2008 by Squeak
As I covered in yesterday’s spewing forth of pointless drivel, I will soon be breaching my next decade of life. As I spiral uncontrollably toward my own demise, I can’t help but wonder why no one told me about the female body phenomena w read more
Aging psychotically
Squeak's Squeals | March 25th 2008 by Squeak
And so it shall come to pass, in this 8th year of the 21st Century, yours truly will mingle with the fates, tempt the guardians of the Underworld, dine with the Wrinkle Fairy and play croquet with the Goddess of Grays. That’s right, my friend, read more
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