Search Blogs
Tag Search Results For 'diary of a heretic' (84)
Anything Meaning Murder
Diary of a Heretic | July 20th 2008 by Kathleen Maher
After last night, Carlos says they no longer need me at the meetings. Early this morning when he and Maggie convene in my chambers to review the daily agenda, he says, “Malcolm, now that we’re in multimedia we can run things on auto-pilot.” [Th read more
My Biggest Fear
Diary of a Heretic | July 19th 2008 by Kathleen Maher
Tonight my biggest fear (now my ex-biggest fear) came true, and nothing happened. Slinking among the nether reaches of my mind, along with what if I die? what if I’ve already died and this murk of uncertainty, this frantic limbo of futility is my e read more
Just Shoot Me
Diary of a Heretic | July 13th 2008 by Kathleen Maher
The new shop is so graceful, stately, and tranquil as to suggest the antithesis of a shop. It hardly seems possible anything so crass as commerce, so gross as chewing and swallowing transpires here.Oh, people eat, but with such rapt concentration the read more
Mouth Going and Arms Waving
Diary of a Heretic | July 12th 2008 by Kathleen Maher
Ta-ta, Carlos! Ta-ta!” We’re waving hankies. We’re giggling. We’re skipping in from the balcony, closing the doors, shutting you (and the universe) out. My fantasy giddies-up toward a jump, then bolts, from which I land hard, with the wind kn read more
Gigantic Baby
Diary of a Heretic | July 6th 2008 by Kathleen Maher
You may not believe this. Or, I don’t know, maybe you saw it coming all along. But I’ve turned into a gigantic baby. My mommy never leaves my side. She sleeps on the floor by my bed. She brings me glasses of water, reads to me, and combs my hair. read more
Lifestyles of the Rich and Pious
Diary of a Heretic | July 3rd 2008 by Kathleen Maher
The shop is at least three times its former size. Four tables fit in the north window now, not two. Instead of a glass display case and Formica countertop, a mantle of burled wood curves through the room. The kitchen is immense, and immaculate. Upsta read more
Too Much and Not Enough
Diary of a Heretic | July 2nd 2008 by Kathleen Maher
Guess what: Carlos lied. We didn’t move for another three weeks. During which time, Carlos kept saying that he never lied; he just couldn’t. When I laughed, because everybody lies, but Carlos probably holds the world’s record—he acted hurt. L read more
Divine Leap or Panic Attack
Diary of a Heretic | July 1st 2008 by Kathleen Maher
~ If everything happens for a reason, ~ If I can believe my own mind and heart, ~ If God comes when and where you least expect him, ~ Then Maybe I Truly Am On the Brink of a Divine Leap. Otherwise, I was just undergoing a garden variety panic attack. read more
What’s the Big Deal
Diary of a Heretic | June 29th 2008 by Kathleen Maher
And afterwards Carlos was the one who lay too gaga to move. His mouth gaped, his eyes rolled back. Newly fortified, hyper awake, I showered and shaved while Carlos slipped from a daze into sleep. Freshly dressed in soft new clothes (courtesy of Maggi read more
Uncle Billy’s Big Book of Sleaze
Diary of a Heretic | June 27th 2008 by Kathleen Maher
Inside our adjoining suites the stage was set: diaphanous curtains drawn, champagne on ice, lights low. Here I should have run. But for some reason I wavered. “Um, just remembered something—I’ll be back later,” I thought of saying. Or, “Pre read more
The Tao of the Luxury Automobile
Diary of a Heretic | June 22nd 2008 by Kathleen Maher
Earlier tonight, after a meeting in the Equitable Building, Carlos dispatched the throng in the lobby, saying, “If you want to join the acolytes call the number on your program.” Arms high, palms pushing forward, he steered the crowd into the rai read more
No One Scores a Hundred
Diary of a Heretic | June 21st 2008 by Kathleen Maher
When, when, when? When can I go home? I don’t care if the shop’s done! I’ll camp out in a sleeping bag on the terrace if I have to. Okay? But I can’t stand the Swiss Crown another hour. It’s not real, it’s horrible, it’s nothing but int read more
It Doesn't Hurt a Bit
Diary of a Heretic | June 15th 2008 by Kathleen Maher
I’m down to 175 pounds, just five more than I weighed the day I dropped out of college, two days after Colin’s funeral. Yesterday Maggie took me out to buy a $500 scale, a $3,000 rowing machine, and a state-of-the-art interactive entertainment sy read more
The Boy Will Come Back
Diary of a Heretic | June 14th 2008 by Kathleen Maher
The thing keeping me going is: the boy will come back. At every meeting now I peer out at the audience, clench my fists, close my eyes, and pray: please, please, appear. I jump from the dais, and on pretense of selecting someone to talk about “life read more
Welcome New Member: Kathleen Maher
The Society of Midnight Wanderers | June 11th 2008 by The Society of Midnight Wanderers
“Bloggers are all writers, more or less. And look how many we are. Writing is an art whether good, bad, mediocre, serious, or comic. And art is risky, frequently misunderstood, and almost never fairly compensated in coin. True, those with immense read more
Care to Count the Ways?
Diary of a Heretic | June 8th 2008 by Kathleen Maher
Yesterday, a full-page feature about me in the Tribune’s “Living Section” prompted my parents, en route to Puerto Vallarta, to phone from an airplane. It took my father twenty minutes to track me down—why was I staying at the Swiss Crown? He read more
It Takes a Saint Not to Preen
Diary of a Heretic | June 7th 2008 by Kathleen Maher
There’s no need to feel constantly ashamed! Sometimes I go on stage and something mystical happens. Sometimes it’s embarrassing and pathetic; sometimes it’s magnificent. I stand in the wings, toss my hair, lick my lips, and bounce up and down. read more
After My Breakdown
Diary of a Heretic | June 1st 2008 by Kathleen Maher
After my little breakdown—in with the food and drink: out with the vomit, mucus, and tears—Carlos hired a ghost writer for the Doctrine. Justin Eagan is an ex-Jesuit who writes spiritual newsletters. The Doctrine by yours truly will supposedly op read more
Over the Edge
Diary of a Heretic | May 31st 2008 by Kathleen Maher
Standing close to the glass, I could hear the wind kicking and stalling. I stared down at the lake, which was swelling and swooshing with white caps. The motion repeated in me—swelling and swooshing. I wanted a taste of fresh air, a walk outside, n read more
We Spun Too Far
Diary of a Heretic | May 27th 2008 by Kathleen Maher
After Maggie’s and my third or fourth glass of aquavit, we discovered each glass was actually subtler (more evocative was the word we kept using) than the last. We kept toasting: “To this moment and that moment.” “To right now.” “To right read more
My Candy-Red Heart
Diary of a Heretic | May 25th 2008 by Kathleen Maher
Jesus, I tell myself, put something down. Don’t worry about Doctrine, that’s ridiculous. Try making a list. Okay— Dread and confusion Uncontrollable suffering No, wait. Start over. Possible Aspects of So Called Mystical Experiences: Dread and c read more
Pigeon
Diary of a Heretic | May 24th 2008 by Kathleen Maher
We’ve taken four new suites. The better to keep the money and presents from all the lay-down-your-life-for-me hangers-on. While I stare listlessly at the interminable sky, Carlos and Maggie and a retinue of consultants bicker, prescribing this, pro read more
Sacred Text
Diary of a Heretic | May 18th 2008 by Kathleen Maher
Carlos, with yet another totally transforming haircut (clipped close and kept gray), strides through our combined celestial white suites in clothes that cost the earth, cell phone to his now naked ear. The rooms are glass, floor to ceiling. Altocumul read more
Confusion, Panic, and Remorse
Diary of a Heretic | May 17th 2008 by Kathleen Maher
Off stage, a bigger throng than usual pressed in on me. They clapped and murmured, “Thank you, thank you.” “Malcolm, Malcolm.” You’d think I’d get used to it, but no. The crux of my being is exposed. It’s grotesque and unseemly, and aft read more
Ipso Facto Sexual
Diary of a Heretic | May 11th 2008 by Kathleen Maher
I saw him! At the Amphitheater tonight, in mid-performance, I pivoted, my arm swooping down, my voice rising, “You have to admit how you feel! You have to risk making mistakes and be prepared to pay for them,” and there he was, his beautiful youn read more
Pull It Up or Pull It Down?
Diary of a Heretic | May 10th 2008 by Kathleen Maher
Ten days later and I am still indifferent to Carlos. In fact I am indifferent to everyone and -thing except: one hopelessly unrealistic hope. For ever since my sweet, quickening encounter with the beautiful boy Tyler, when he so innocently and sincer read more
And the Top Shall Be Bottom
Diary of a Heretic | May 4th 2008 by Kathleen Maher
I hate it here. The hotel environment is so artificial, so studiously deluxe but not offensively grand. It’s a glass-walled prison, high in the sky. Everyone’s buzzing about, concerned and busy, and quick to defers to the tiniest alteration of my read more
Nondenominational Has Its Privileges
Diary of a Heretic | May 3rd 2008 by Kathleen Maher
Colin and I used to come here on weekends. Sammy’s was the only place that accepted our fake IDs. Now everything except the name has changed. Something about the lighting back then, plus, I think, a mechanism in the floor, created an illusion of sp read more
Should I Stay or Should I Go
Diary of a Heretic | April 27th 2008 by Kathleen Maher
Carlos is out securing hotel rooms for us for the next few weeks. The shop and its bought-out neighbors are totally gutted. I can either pace through the wreckage as I have for hours, or I can tap on my laptop as I am now. Either way, my presence is read more
Not What It Looks Like
Diary of a Heretic | April 26th 2008 by Kathleen Maher
I left the stage twelve hours ago; I go back on tonight. Am I frightened? Mortified? Exhausted? I am a void—personified! Except you can no longer tell from the outside. My almighty, anonymous needs still rage. The shop’s closed, the kitchen’s g read more
Subscribe To