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- December 18th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Titavanater Set to Revolutionize Filmmaking
December 18, 2029—When James Cameron released his 3D epic Avatar 20 years ago today, critics predicted—accurately—that it would forever change the face of movie-making. Cameron, 75, is about to…
- December 14th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
New Holographic Christmas Trees Make Holidays Hassle-Free
December 15, 2029—A new holographic Christmas tree that went on sale on Black Friday has become one of the hottest selling items of the holiday season. The Holoday Tree system has generated more tha…
- December 9th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Tiger Woods to Endorse Bouncing Car
December 9, 2029—Tiger Woods, long a pariah to advertisers because of his stormy personal life, has landed an endorsement deal for the first time in 20 years. The former golf pro, 53, has signed a c…
- December 8th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
President to Get Force Field Protection In Wake of Secret Service Lapses
December 8, 2029—The Secret Service has announced that it will deploy an impenetrable energy field around President Angelina Jolie and her family to ensure she is protected from any terrorists or as…
- December 2nd, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Salahi Avatars Crash Virtual State Dinner
December 2, 2029—Legendary party crashers Tareq and Michaele Salahi have found a new way to attend exclusive events without an invitation. The couple sneaked holographic avatars of themselves into a…
- November 30th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Scientists Charged With Time-Traveling Crimes
November 30, 2029—Two scientists were arrested in Geneva yesterday for using the space-time continuum to prevent what was the world’s largest atom smasher from destroying the Earth. Interpol said…
- November 23rd, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Millions to Remain Stuck on Moon for Thanksgiving
November 23, 2029—Millions of Americans are expected to remain stranded on the Moon during the Thanksgiving holiday weekend, as the spaceline industry struggles with overbooked flights and long line…
- November 18th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Senate Bill Would Ban Nose-Picking While Driving
November 19, 2029—A bipartisan bill introduced Wednesday would provide incentives for states to ban drivers from picking their noses while behind the wheel. The legislation, introduced in the Senate…
- November 17th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Augmented Reality Network Crashes, Leaving Millions Dataless
November 17, 2029—TEL-U Mobile said today that network disruptions yesterday led to inoperable augmented reality service, leaving millions of customers to walk or drive around with no information a…
- November 13th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Michael Phelps Admits to Faking Marijuana Use for Publicity
November 13, 2029—Michael Phelps’ upcoming autobiography contains a shocking admission that he never actually used illegal drugs during his storied career in competitive swimming. According to a…
- November 12th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Disgraced NASA Chief Flees Earth
November 12, 2029—Former NASA Administrator Cy Phiphan appears to have fled the planet after learning that a special prosecutor has been appointed to investigate his role in the apocalypse fraud sc…
- November 11th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Sosa Says Face Cream Made Him Look Like Asian Woman
November 11, 2029—Sammy Sosa says a revolutionary cosmetic cream he uses to soften the skin around his cheeks and eyes is the reason he now resembles an Asian woman. The former Chicago Cubs slugger…
- November 10th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
The Premature Future: Engineered Rabbit Penises
FU’s occassional step away from the future and into our crazy present. Using tissue grown in a laboratory, researchers have engineered fully functional replacement penises. The organs were ma…
- November 9th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
CDC to Ration Death Vaccine
November 9, 2029—Federal health officials announced today that, because they have to ration the scarce supply of the new death vaccine, they will withhold the medication from groups that have been…
- November 5th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Baseball Fans Refuse to Believe World Series Outcome
November 5, 2029—Pitcher Emery Ball held the Yankees to just two hits and one run on Wednesday, leading the Pittsburgh Pirates to win the World Series for the first time in half a century. But base…
- November 4th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
The Premature Future: Space Hotel Ready for 2012
FU’s occassional step away from the future and into the crazy present. Galactic Suite has revealed that plans to open the first hotel in space are on schedule and The Galactic Suite Space Resor…
- November 3rd, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
DHS Secretary Used Asteroid Scare for Real Estate Fraud, Mistress Claims
October 28, 2029—Homeland Security Secretary Marshall Lawe joined the scheme to fraudulently evacuate the planet in order to help enrich a California businesswoman with whom he was having an extra-…
- November 2nd, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
NASA Chief Resigns As Apocalypse Scandal Broadens
November 2, 2029—NASA Administrator Cy Phiphan resigned today as allegations mounted about his leading role in the end-of-the-world fraud scheme that sent billions of people fleeing the planet. Whi…
- October 27th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Apocalypse-gate Sparks Riots Worldwide
October 27, 2029—Law enforcement authorities and military troops are trying to quell rioting that has erupted in cities all over the world following news that Earth is in no danger of being destroy…
- October 24th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Asteroid/Alien Crisis Was Part of NASA Fraud Scheme
SPECIAL FU INVESTIGATION October 26, 2029—NASA concocted the story about an asteroid headed on a collision course with Earth as part of a complex conspiracy aimed at enriching its top officials, …
- October 19th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
“Time-Traveling Boy” Incident Was a Hoax, Authorities Say
October 19, 2029—The story that a little boy had been hurled 140 million years into the past aboard a time machine was a hoax concocted to land a reality Web TV deal, authorities said this morning,…
- October 16th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Yankees DH Suspended for Bashing Robot Umpire
October 16, 2029—The New York Yankees will begin Game 1 of the American League Championship Series tonight without designated hitter Grant Slamm, who is under a three-game suspension for bashing a…
- October 15th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
The Premature Future: Scientists Make Desktop Black Hole
FU’s occassional return from the future to examine our crazy present. From Wired.com: Two Chinese scientists have successfully made an artificial black hole. Since you’re still reading this, i…
- October 8th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Head Piercing the Newest Fashion Craze
October 8, 2029—Forget hoop earrings, navel studs and tongue jewelry. Today, body piercing has reached its zenith, with young people increasingly piercing their skulls to wear big hoop headrings. …
- October 6th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Aliens Look Like Geico Gecko, NASA Reports
October 6, 2029—NASA Corp. today released the first images of the alien race heading toward Earth, and the beings appear to possess a remarkable resemblance to the talking gecko that Geico Car Ins…
- October 5th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
North Pole, Moon Ahead of U.S. in Broadband Rankings
October 5, 2029–The United States still ranks behind South Korea, Japan and the Moon in the quality and availability of broadband service, according to a new study by the Organization for Plan…
- October 1st, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Walmart Greeters Fired for Insincere Smiling
October 1, 2029—A Walmart store in Ohio today publicly defended its decision to fire three greeters after its smile detector system calculated that they grinned insincerely at customers walking i…
- September 29th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
People Incompatible With Earth, Study Finds
September 29, 2029–A new National Academy of Sciences study concludes that humans are hopelessly incompatible with Earth and should no longer occupy the planet. The study by an international…
- September 28th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Marine Enlistee Volunteers to Play Lucy for Aliens
September 28, 2029—A 22-year-old U.S. Marine corporal has volunteered to pose as Lucy Ricardo and meet with incoming aliens who are fans of the character from the classic 1950s sitcom I Love Lucy, t…
- September 25th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Michael Vick Injured in Dog Attack
September 25, 2029—Tampa Bay Buccaneers head coach Michael Vick was severely injured in a dog attack Thursday evening, sustaining injuries that will force him to miss Sunday’s game in Baltimore ag…
- September 24th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
New Robotic Alarm Clock Beats You Awake
September 24, 2029—General Electric has announced the upcoming release of a robotic alarm clock that slaps, punches and kicks you to make sure you wake up in the morning. The Snoozer Bruiser, schedu…
- September 22nd, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Jolie Draws Comparisons to Neville Chamberlain
September 22, 2029—President Angelina Jolie’s job approval rating has plummeted over the last two weeks in response to her openness to meeting with the space aliens that are heading toward Earth.…
- September 18th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Where Are They Now – Bad Boys of the 00s
September 18, 2029 Kanye West The acclaimed rapper, record producer and author received numerous awards throughout the first decade of this century, but his career steadily disintegrated because of hi…
- September 17th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Oprah Calls Congresswoman a Spacist
September 17, 2029—Former President Oprah Winfrey said Wednesday that a Republican congresswoman’s efforts to stop the Jolie administration from opening up diplomatic talks with newly discovered e…
- September 16th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Conservatives Worry Extra-Terrestrials are Liberals
September 16, 2029—NASA Corp. yesterday released the first images of an alien spacecraft headed toward Earth, and the shape of the ship has heightened conservatives’ fears that the extra-terrestri…
- September 14th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Protestors Hit the Capitol to Rally Against Space Aliens
September 14, 2029— Tens of thousands of conservative protesters, many warning that the nation could become a haven for extra-terrestrial immigrants, massed outside the U.S. Capitol on Saturday, ang…
- September 10th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Aliens Offer to Destroy Asteroid Heading Toward Earth
September 10, 2029—Extra-terrestrials who entered the solar system on Monday are offering to destroy the massive asteroid heading toward Earth in exchange for a meeting with Lucy Ricardo, according…
- September 9th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Aliens Enter Solar System, Demand Meeting with Lucy Ricardo
BREAKING NEWS September 9, 2029—An alien spacecraft has entered the solar system and its pilots are demanding to meet Lucy Ricardo, the fictional main character on the classic sitcom I Love Lucy,…
- September 8th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
The Premature Future: Childhood Smiling and Future Marriage Success
FU’s occassional step outside the future and into the crazy present From Scientific American. This means in the future many children will undergo smile therapy to help ensure their later marria…
- September 4th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
‘End of the World’ Concert Scheduled for Labor Day in Central Park
September 4, 2029—More than 3 million people are expected to attend the “End of the World” Concert on Monday in New York City’s Central Park, making the event one of the biggest al…
- September 2nd, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Disney Introduces New Marvel Heroes
September 2, 2029—Desperate to revive its moribund line of its most classic cartoon characters, The Walt Disney Co. is launching a new series of children’s programming that leverages the superhero…
- September 1st, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
ToyotaFord Developing Anti-Dumb Driving Device
September 1, 2029—ToyotaFord Motor said Monday it is developing anti-dumb driving equipment that would lock the ignition of a vehicle if high levels of stupidity are detected in the driver. The syst…
- August 28th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Jesus Christ to Voice GPS System
August 28, 2029—Representatives for Jesus Christ have signed an agreement that will allow the son of God’s voice to be used in a navigation system that can be embedded in the brain. Christ’s…
- August 27th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Asteroid Tour in Poor Taste, Federal Government Says
August 27, 2029—The Department of Homeland Security yesterday issued a strong rebuke against an adventure travel company that is hosting rides aboard the asteroid heading toward a cataclysmic collis…
- August 26th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Sea World Ordered to Euthanize Chompy the Shark
August 26, 2029—San Diego County Animal Control has ordered Sea World to euthanize Chompy, the world’s first performing great white shark, saying the domesticated fish is not tame enough to be saf…
- August 24th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
National Wee Wee Prevention Week Kicks Off in D.C.
August 24, 2029—National Wee Wee Prevention Week kicked off on the National Mall yesterday with a rallying speech by former President Barack Obama, who first brought public attention to a problem th…
- August 21st, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
First Lady Draws Controversy for Going Topless
August 21, 2029—Photographs of a topless First Lady Bitch descending Air Force One have sparked a media frenzy. Some pundits are saying that Ms. Bitch, on her way to a family vacation in Miami’…
- August 20th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Favre to Play in Lunar Football League
August 20, 2029—Brett Favre returned to professional football yesterday, signing a $500 million contract to play for the Moonopolis Comets of the Lunar Football League. The 59-year-old quarterback w…
- August 19th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Man Sues Over luvPod Same-Sex Link
August 19, 2029—A New Jersey man has filed suit against New AT&T and Applesoft, claiming the latest version of the luvPod is faulty because it identified another man as his soul mate, even thoug…
- August 17th, 2009
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SkipDeKades has posted a new entry on: Future Update: Humorous Headlines of Tomorrow
Emanuel Being Treated for Profanity Addiction
August 17, 2029—Former Illinois Gov. Rahm Emanuel is undergoing treatment for profanity addiction, marking the second time he has sought medical attention for the illness, his family announced th…
