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The Head Fool Speaks

Gee, it seems like only twelve months since we were wishing each other Happy Holidays. Boy, time sure drags when you’re broke. Anyway, at the risk of not offending anyone (I really don’t give a [p…

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Editor’s Note

It seems we left off the ending to one of our stories last month (see Editorial Corrections, below). Thanks to all who were kind enough to bring it to our attention, as we don’t read the paper. We�…

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Fool-O-Scope

December birthdays: You already know this month is full of Christmas festivities. But did you know it also contains National Bouillabaisse Day, which comes from the Provençal Occitan words “bolhir,…

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Jason the Fool – Men, You Can’t Understand Women—Stop Trying

There are a lot of things I don’t understand. Like physics, how the Internet really works, and anything to do with women. Seriously, anything. Sure, it would be nice to know exactly why two objects…

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Adventures with Rex – Death Valley Days

Death Valley Days Rex and I were on our way home from our annual camping trip to Death Valley. This year he got to chase wild burrows through the sage, and I think he fell in love with a teacup poodle…

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When You Wish Upon A Star

Maybe I’m just being paranoid, but I plan never to purchase a vehicle from General Motors with OnStar. Touted as a system to protect drivers by means of its many security features, OnStar seems more…

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Self-Defense for the Distracted

Have you ever been mugged? Have you ever had your purse snatched? And that was just this morning. The rest of the day doesn’t look all that good either. (Actually, I’m only kidding around. Fortuna…

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The Redneck Review

Kyle Farnsworth is a relief pitcher for the famed New York Yankees major league baseball team. That is, until he was traded to the Tigers in a late-season move to improve their chances of making the p…

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So It Goes – Dominican Republic

My amiga Yahaira wanted to show me her homeland, the Dominican Republic, where 62,000 of her relatives live. We met them all at the airport, a metric ton of strangers hugging me as their own. The DR c…

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Lost Journal

Having never kept an actual journal, Mollen writes these columns in retrospect. For each column, he chooses a different day in his lifetime, and writes about it as though it were today. A particular e…

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Sammon Says – Why Ow?

Since nobody uses it, why do we have the word “ouch,” the sound you make when you hurt yourself? Where did this word come from? There is no doubt, back in the mists of time, when small men with gi…

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Pathos Under the Tree

“…and on every street coroner you’ll hear…Silver bells, sil?” Coroner?? What the…? Sure, we’ve all seen coroners at crime scenes wearing antler hats and whistling “Santa Baby.” But,…

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The Expiration Date

I’ve been a successful businesswoman over the years and so far have lived most parts of my life rather conservatively and used my head most of the time. I don’t take big chances on Wall Street or…

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Virtual Holiday

Does anyone still dream of a “White Christmas”? I certainly do not. Like most seasonal classics that are regurgitated ad desperatum, “White Christmas” makes the hearer sentimental over sentime…

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The Head Fool Speaks

Ponder this: For years now researchers have been telling us we’re getting fatter. Well, if our butts are expanding, why is the toilet paper shrinking? Let’s all send an email to Charmin and Scott…

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Editor’s Note

Happy November, faithful readers. Enjoy this issue, WHICH IS NOT A TURKEY, nap yourself a good football game, keep your hands out of the way of flying fork tines, and THANKS for GIVING us your unwaver…

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Smoke, Guns, and Monkeys by Aaron Sean Birk

By Aaron Sean Birk Working at a tobacco store can mean different things to different people. Your parents frown at you; the mothers of any girl you date instantly fumble for diplomatic words of disapp…

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The Cats, The Dogs, The Crows

I’m glad I work at home so I can be with my cat. There’s nothing like making a cat happy to give you that extra buzz. Sugar, my rescued Siamese, loves to lounge on my lap, especially when I’m si…

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The Expiration Date – Terror at 30,000 Feet

One of my readers wrote to me the other day and told me to stick to my dating stories and not rant about NASA. But every once in a while, I think something is more important than dating when someone d…

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Lost Journal

Having never kept an actual journal, Mollen writes these columns in retrospect. For each column, he chooses a different day in his lifetime, and writes about it as though it were today. A particular e…

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Hey There, Big Boy

I’ve got a nasty mother of a bruise on my neck. Remind me not to fall asleep again on the couch—I woke up lying across a rawhide chew. Of course, explaining how I gave myself the bruise makes me s…

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Do It Yourself – Easy Assembly

Like Goldilocks and the three bears, we tried out all the chairs for size. This one was too big, this one too small, this one too stiff, this one too hard. Finally, we found a chair that was “just r…

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So It Goes – Televisions

Is it just me, or are TVs taking over the universe? They’re popping up in gas stations, waiting rooms, supermarkets, banks, beauty salons, HOTEL BATHROOMS. I myself don’t need a bathroom TV becaus…

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Ye Olde Limerick Corner

Editor’s note: The Limerick Wars of 2009 continue to wind down, along with the baseball season. Kiri Kiri the Limerick Deary submits the following in response to last month’s submissions, saying,…

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Fool-O-Scope

November birthdays: Remember, change is inevitable. Unless you use a credit card. ARIES (3/21-4/19): Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is. You know what will make him even bigger? You, standing there…

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The Redneck Review – Blast From The Past

It’s not every day a guy gets to talk to an old friend he hasn’t heard from in over fifteen years. At least it didn’t used to be. I guess Facebook is changing that pretty quickly. It probably wo…

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Adventures With Rex – Gopher Broke

Rex and I were out for a walk around the block. We came upon my neighbor, Jay Throckmorton, walking across his front yard. He had a coil of wire slung over his shoulder and under his arm. He appeared…

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Jason the Fool – Women Don’t Know Anything About Guys

Women Don’t Know Anything About Guys I knew something was wrong when I walked into the bedroom. Men don’t sense much, like emotions, subtlety, or the passage of time after high school, but we do r…

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Best of the Inbox

Police Call This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn…

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Fool Laughs – A man walks into a bar…and boy, did it hurt.

The Three Little Pigs Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. “I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggy. “I would like a Coke,” s…

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Sammon Says – WHAT IS GOLF?

What is golf? You take a metal rod with a head on it, and hit a little white ball towards a hole in the ground. Golf symbolizes for a lot of pot-bellied, balding middle-aged men success. Why? They can…

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What A Croc!

What is the deal with humanity’s obsession with footwear? The mania with Crocs, the plastic footwear that hit the market several years ago, is remarkable. They seem to be modeled after the famed Dut…

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Help Wanted

Seriously dysfunctional family seeks professional worrier. Must be experienced in the art of hand-wringing and floor-pacing, and must be able to chew fingernails down into the quick. Gray hair and a p…

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The Head Fool Speaks

Three days without COFFEE! No need to panic! “Café 316” opens in eight minutes and all will be right with the world! The Unknown Cartoonist is not MIA, just misplaced! Gotta go! Don’t Forget Th…

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Editor’s Note

It’s the month of ghosts and goblins and witches and the World Series and—ahem. Sorry, got sidetracked. And vampires and werewolves. Speaking of werewolves, what’s the deal with Tyler, anyway? F…

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Scary Movies Coming Soon

“The Unshaven”: A man with a skimpy beard (Keanu Reeves) tries the rugged look, horrifying everyone he meets. “House of Shadows”: A house grows ever darker as a husband puts off his lightbulb-…

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Location, Location, Location

I’m a big fan of scientific knowledge, but there is one thing I would rather not know—namely that on the nineteen square feet of skin that covers my body, there are roughly 100 billion bacteria li…

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Treatment

“It all goes back to the time I was bitten by that werewolf.” Dr. Booster’s pencil paused for a moment on his notepad, having only written a ‘w.’ “A werewolf?” Tyler nodded. Booster appr…

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Where Do They Come From?

Where, oh, where do they all come from? I work during the week, and presumed that everyone else did too. From the looks of the Interstate in the morning going into the city, the whole world commutes t…

capacitron has posted a new entry on: Foolishtimes

Lost Journal

Having never kept an actual journal, Mollen writes these columns in retrospect. For each column, he chooses a different day in his lifetime, and writes about it as though it were today. A particular e…

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Old, Tarnished, and Corroded

The other day, I installed a new faucet in the family bathroom. Well, to be quite honest, it wasn’t the other day (singular); it was the other days (plural). It’s safe to assume that Lady Debby di…

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Adventures with Rex

Pillow Talk I awoke on my back in bed that Saturday morning with an eight-pound weight on my chest. As my eyes came into focus, I noticed Rex perched on my sternum. He struck a regal Sphinx pose: para…

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So It Goes

Stereo Type My neighbor across the street—the one who flies a pirate flag—is playing his music again. The volume is set on eleven. It’s never good music either; it’s always angry shouting by g…

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Don’t Hijack My Halloween

Ever face the unthinkable? I imagine it happens at least once in everyone’s life. For me, the unthinkable almost happened the October of my daughter’s first-grade year: I almost lost my Halloween…

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Ye Olde Limerick Corner

Editor’s note: As the Limerick Wars of 2009 draw to a close, mainly because the Giants appear to be out of the pennant race, this month’s limerick offerings feature a dialogue of sorts between Gen…

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Budget Tips from Fannie Frugal

Hi, friends. My name is Fannie Frugal, and I’m here to answer a few of your questions on how to trim the fat from your budget. Following are some examples of the people I have helped so far. Perhaps…

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Fool – O – Scope

October birthdays: Your birthday bash gets out of control. Unfortunately, “The Great Pumpkin made me do it” is not a defense that will hold up in court. ARIES (3/21-4/19): Your annual tradition of…

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Jason the Fool – Haircuts: Don’t Try This At Home

There are people who treat budgeting like guys treat going to the doctor—it’s not serious until they slip in all the blood. My wife isn’t one of those people. She treats budgeting like she was t…

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Sit, Stay, Pay

A blue-haired lady outside of church squinted at the tiny inscription on my dangle earrings. “Oh my, is that a prayer?” she asked, and peered closer. “Let me guess, a sacred quote?” Um, not ex…

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The Redneck Review – Friendship 2.0

Friendship 2.0 Will you be my friend? That’s the latest question zipping around the Internet these days. No doubt if you have a pulse you have at least heard about Facebook.com. This interesting lit…

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