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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
APHRODISIADDICTS BREAKFAST
Any alcoholic or drug addict will tell you that the first step in battling an addiction is to admit you have a problem. So let’s start there. I am addicted to aphrodisiacs. No judgments, right? Th…
- Yesterday
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
DOWN WITH BROWNIE SUNDAE
I’m pretty much down with every color of the rainbow. Call me an equal opportunity banger. If you photographed all my past play pals, you would have a perverse United Colors of Benetton ad. So lon…
- December 25th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
SANTA’S REVENGE FRENCH TOAST
Santa has been a dirty dog. Getting all up in people’s chimneys, drinking their eggnog and kissing mommy. That fat bastard has quite the racket going on. He pretends to be a jolly fat man spread…
- December 24th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
NAUGHTY EGGNOG
This Naughty Nog will make your lover go ba-rumpa-pum-pum! So it’s Christmas time. You may need to bring something to your (or your significant other’s) family holiday party or perhaps you and…
- December 23rd, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
RANDY CANDIED CARROTS
Carrots are often overlooked as an unsexy, utilitarian vegetable. You might think the coolest thing to do with it is make a nose for Frosty the Snowman. Bully to that I say. Those suckers have never e…
- December 22nd, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
BE AMAZED GLAZED SCALLOPS
The only way to be a true player is to wow your date into submission. It needs to be clear that not banging you is their loss. That requires excellence in all that you do. Cooking is an obvious extens…
- December 21st, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
HOT LIKE A CHEETAH FAJITA SINWICH
There are some people out there too fine for their own good. You know the type I’m talking about. It’s as if they are cursed to roam the earth surrounded by an unsightly subspecies, the rest o…
- December 18th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
KINKY PINKY LADY
Riding dirty is the Southern way. At least that is what I learned on my most recent visit to New Orleans. I befriended a Southern belle boozing it up with absinthe at a vampire bar down a dark all…
- December 17th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
PORTOBELLO BORDELLO
Some food has the power to transform a good day into a great day. We’ve all experienced a meal so freaking amazing that we talk about it years, sometimes decades later. Don’t get me started on thi…
- December 16th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
HOT DATE SHAKE
After your hot date gets hotter and steamier, cool off with a refreshing date shake. There is nothing like the taste of ancient lands to flavor the already classic crowd-pleasing milkshake. The Me…
- December 15th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
BIG PIMPIN’ BBQ SHRIMP SALAD
Sometimes you gotta big time your salads. Sure you could serve your date up a simple green salad. But unless you’re following it up with some bodacious entrée, that date of yours will lose intere…
- December 14th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
BEER–GOGGLES FISH TACOS
Beer-goggles are a time-honored utility that have justified more than a few plus-sized mistakes. I only wish I could say that I’ve never gone spelunking between rolls of flab. Granted, that was lo…
- December 11th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
GET LUCKY LATKES
Happy Hanukkah! I have banged enough ladies of the Jewish faith to make me an honorary Jew. So I understand the importance of latkes or potato pancakes to the uninitiated. They are ridiculously…
- December 10th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
TANGY BANGY SHRIMP SCRAMBLE
Experimentation makes the world go round. Where would we be without Ben Franklin accidentally barbecuing himself with a kite? I approach cooking with the same punk rock philosophy. My instincts…
- December 9th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
NEVER FLAKES CRAB CAKES
My number one frustration in the dating scene is flakes. Nothing pisses me off more than having a date lined up for the night and getting a call, or worse, a text message with some half-baked excuse a…
- December 8th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
MISO RAD & SHIT RADISHES
Not to sound like a braggart, but I am so rad and shit. At least that’s what my neighbors’ teenage son told me when I explained the Cook To Bang method. This poor misguided kid figured wearing…
- December 7th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
KETCHUP SEX PASTA
It’s always a trip banging someone you haven’t seen in a long while. The experience seems so foreign, yet so familiar. You remember their curves, their scent, and that thing they do with their t…
- December 4th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
DOUBLE E-CUP MORNINGS
Ever woken up next to someone WAY out of your league? Last night is a blur, you’re unsure of this hottie’s name, and you’re wondering if your benefactor is Make A Wish Foundation. However you…
- December 3rd, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
BREAK YOUR HEARTY PASTA
Pasta was my love long before I appreciated the finer foods. From the get-go, I slarped down cans of Chef Boyardee pasta letters, crazy for carbs. You can imagine my frustration over the Atkins zo…
- December 2nd, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
BANGERINE SALAD
Tangerines are a whorish fruit. While oranges, kiwis, and grapes are off to church to pray they won’t be eaten, tangerines rub their citrus all over everybody. I’ve never met a fruit so eager fo…
- December 1st, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
PUMPKIN SEEDS OF SEDUCTION
Or was that destruction? These toasted pumpkin seeds will no doubt help get your seduction going; any resistance to your charms will be obliterated. Crunchy, spicy, and totally thrilling. What a…
- November 30th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
PIMP MY SHRIMP TACOS
It’s time to apply the philosophy of MTV’s Pimp My Ride to your dinner. Say you have a taco recipe that is so-so. Your tacos will feed hungry people, but chances are no one you’ve served the…
- November 27th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
GIVE THANKS TO DADDY SINWICH
The Thanksgiving is hangover one now. You’re probably stumbling through your family’s home plastered on eggnog and convincing only the dog that your life is on track, right? At least the tur…
- November 26th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
FRIENDS BANGSGIVING
It’s time for the orphan round up! Many young professional go-getters moved far away from home to chase down a dream…and then bang it senseless. For us, going “home”, that place we grew up w…
- November 25th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
BANGSGIVING BEVVY
Tonight is the night. Whether you came home to see the relatives or are treating your closest friends like the family you bang, shit is going off this evening. This one goes out to all the people…
- November 24th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
BANGSGIVING: CREAM IN YOUR PANTS SPINACH
I suggest bringing a change of underwear for this one. Decadent doesn’t begin to describe this supernova of creaminess found in this holiday side dish. Don’t feel too embarrassed by your “ac…
- November 23rd, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
BANGSGIVING: HUMPIN’ & PUMPKIN PIE
Bangsgiving is upon us! It’s time to prepare yourself for a night of indulgence. While the family-values singles makes their way home to justify to their families why they aren’t married with…
- November 20th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
CAPABLE MAPLE SQUASH
Achieving goals comes down realizing you are capable of anything with enough effort, planning and luck. That is especially true when it comes to banging. Too many suckers assume they are incapable…
- November 19th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
STUFFED PEPPER PARTY
It’s time to throw down! The week ain’t over yet, but you’re leady to let the dogs out. Woof to the M-F’ing woof! I suggest you get funky in the kitchen rather than unleash potentially r…
- November 18th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
CHARD ON EGGS
Breakfast just gets my juices flowing if you catch my drift. And it’s not just because of morning wood. Eating something delicious and nourishing in the cold, dark hours of a new day puts in a g…
- November 17th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
LICK MY ZUCCHINI STICK
I’m not trying to be crass. It’s just an open invitation for your tongue. Do what you gotta, but the door is always open. This is for your benefit after all. Much like Christmas or Hanukkah,…
- November 16th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
GOLDEN METEOR SHOWER
For the uninitiated, tonight or more accurately, early tomorrow morning, November 17, 2009 the Leonid Meteor Shower will be on full display. Viewing times will vary depending on your location, but i…
- November 13th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
OBSCENE TANGERINE DREAM SCALLOPS
I dream a little dream every day. My dreams do not consist of me running in a field of daffodils holding hands with my pure-as-virgin-snow fiancé. There is no discussion of curtain rods and where…
- November 12th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
SPAGHETTI SQUASHER SHOCKER SALAD
You could almost call this the “shocker” of salads. There you are serving your date up some salad and they’ll assume it’s some sort of noodle salad. Ha! You will laugh uproariously when…
- November 11th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
BEET YO-GURT-LE OFF SALAD
Girdles are the absolute worst! I find clothing abhorrent. If nudist colonies weren’t of the fugly side of life, I might join them. So I settle with having a no-clothes policy in my house. My…
- November 10th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
ORAL TATER-SPLOSIONS
p>These potatoes are not unlike Inspector Gadget’s self-destructing mission assignments. But instead of them blowing up and you get saliva across your face instead of soot. These bad boys pack a…
- November 9th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
SQUASHTACULAR
Some knucklehead who probably hasn’t seen a naked woman since his subscription to National Geographic ran out told me squash ain’t sexy. Granted it doesn’t pack the same luscious sex appeal as…
- November 6th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
PAD THAI ME UP
Kinky is my middle name. Actually it’s Patrick, but I’m considering changing it. I wouldn’t call myself an S&M guy, but I do enjoy pushing the envelope behind closed doors with consentin…
- November 5th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
KIWI MELT IN YOUR MOUTH
You know you’re in for a wild ride as soon as this melty concoction hits the tip of your tongue. The first bite should make it clear that you ain’t eating your grandmother’s sandwich. No sir…
- November 4th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
CSA PDA
Community Supported Agriculture boxes make all my cooking and banging possible. More importantly, it makes it affordable. This is in no ways sponsored. Payola is not going on, although to tell y…
- November 3rd, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
POMEGRATIFY YOUR MORNING DESIRES
I am most inclined to bang in the morning. My attention is, shall we say, piqued? Not sure if has to do with the fact I’m well rested of that my dreams are so goddamn sexy that I turn myself on. …
- November 2nd, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
BANGING FLURRY EGGPLANT CURRY
For me, banging comes in waves. Sometimes I’m banging everything sexy in a 10-mile radius. Other times I am sitting alone in the dark wondering why not even my D-List booty calls aren’t return…
- October 30th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
HALLOWEEN SUCK-HER PUNCH
The time is upon us! My favorite holiday has arrived and I am ready to indulge in all manner of costumed tomfoolery. You have to love a holiday that is an excuse for girls to bring out their inner…
- October 29th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
FRENCHING YOUR ENGLISH MUFFIN
Some say the English need to loosen up. They walk around with their quiet desperation eager to break out of their shells and become the wild men and women that would make their ancestors gasp. Thi…
- October 28th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
ARTICHOKE HEARTBREAKERS
Hear that high-pitched sound not unlike a champagne glass shattering against the wall? That’s a million hearts being broken by this ass-gettin’ APHRODISIAC appetizer. The hook is that it’s b…
- October 27th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
UNDRESS YO PESTO
I was baffled when I received numerous queries from readers who’ve never used or even tasted pesto. First I shed a tear for them, heartbroken they’ve gone through life without the green APHRODIS…
- October 26th, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
PIMPIN’ PUMPKIN SOUP
Halloween is upon us. Truth be told, I’d take Halloween over Christmas, Thanksgiving and Kwanzaa combined. Something about turning yourself into someone or something else just whets my appetite…
- October 23rd, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
STIR-FRY UP SOME TOFU TROUBLE
You know the deal. Society tells us to behave, to color within the lines, to speak when spoken to. That’s all well and good if you’re a eunuch. But what about those of us with a spine flowin…
- October 22nd, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
POMMELONTINI BIKINI
This one goes out to all you ladies having Sex & The City parties or just having sex in the city. We all know that you sophisticated women of the world like to relax and gab out their lives with…
- October 21st, 2009
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cooktobang has posted a new entry on: COOK TO BANG
STUFF YOUR CHOCOLATE BANANA
Be ready to feel overshadowed unless you are packing serious heat (in your oven). That ain’t necessarily a bad thing. This banana oozes with chocolate gooeyness. You’re golden so long as you reg…
