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Today
mayjah has updated her twitter:

Carrying my laptop with me from room to room. Like a BOSS.
Yesterday
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Put the ow in tomorrow at the open bar last night.
mayjah has updated her twitter:

So I got asked to dance by the boss, then later his wife. And I'm wearing red. Oh shit, I just got initiated into the Illuminati, didn't I?
December 19th, 2009
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HIM: I can't stop staring at your tits. ME: I know. How come? HIM: Because you're sitting on your ass.
mayjah has updated her twitter:

Shutting down table #5 at the company Christmas party. First question: can you die from Michael Bouble toxicity?
mayjah has updated her twitter:

♪ Five Nu-va riiiiiiings! ♪ You have been listening to A Very Merck Holiday, The Twelve 28-Day Cycles of Christmas
December 18th, 2009
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@idvssuperego I've been cutting and pasting our eyes onto our friends' faces and mailing their own cards back to them. Too creepy?
mayjah has updated her twitter:

Maybe today wasn't the best day to remember I forgot to take a family photo for our picture-frame Christmas cards. Oh how we laughed!
mayjah has updated her twitter:

Back in my day, we had to walk 6 miles uphill in the snow to tell people we ate a damn sandwich.
mayjah has updated her twitter:

I wonder which Jay-Z song gets Miley all freaking out. I like to imagine it's Big Pimpin.
December 17th, 2009
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@biorhythmist There is a chocolate starfish joke in there somewhere but I'm too scared to go get it. It looks like it's wedged pretty good.
mayjah has updated her twitter:

Oh you're funny alright. If I laugh any harder I'll drop the bullets I'm holding in my teeth. Which is sad, the revolver is almost loaded.
mayjah has updated her twitter:

All I want is noise-cancelling headphones that can block ambient Sammy Hagar.
mayjah has updated her twitter:

Either the director was going totally Chanel with all that black & white in the first act or I've been watching too much Rachel Zoe Project.
December 15th, 2009
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@eoporto I see your candle. And I raise you one Bath & Body Works giftcard.
mayjah has updated her twitter:

Oh Favrd, I miss you so. I could really go for some good Oral right about now.
mayjah has updated her twitter:

Today is the Marilyn Manson to my Dita. Meaning I'd like it to just go fuck a 19 year old already; I've got champagne glasses to bathe in.
mayjah has updated her twitter:

@riebschlager Really?! Then will you be on my Sumatran Xanax-Savaged Wombats (in crisis) panel? It's a cause very dear to my heart.
December 14th, 2009
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Mark my words, someday *I* will be on a SXSW panel. About something. Once I figure out what SXSW stands for. Sexy Swimwear? (hopehopehope)
mayjah has updated her twitter:

Gimme an m! Gimme an a! Gimme a t-t! What's that spell? God, get your mind out of the gutter, it's a *person*. Happy birthday @biorhythmist
December 13th, 2009
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I don't know if analogy was what I meant but I do know one drink isn't enough to silence the Proper Usage nazi in my head.
mayjah has updated her twitter:

Oh no no no that doesn't mean I'm sitting through Spiderman. Kirsten Dunst is buzz kryptonite. Yes that analogy makes no sense, I'm DRUNK.
mayjah has updated her twitter:

Enjoying this martini like only a person who hasn't eaten in 10 hours can. Related: I love everybody!
December 12th, 2009
mayjah has updated her twitter:

Mollycoddling (v): Letting me pause-rewind-pause the birthday cake scene in 16 Candles as many times as I need to [usually no more than 5].
December 11th, 2009
mayjah has updated her twitter:

@ivegotzooms I've tried screaming at mine, clapping, and throwing it on the ground to startle it but so far it isn't opening. Help.
mayjah has updated her twitter:

When you say nothing all I hear is that the restraining order doesn't stop me from pasting up a copy of your timeline over my closet shrine.
mayjah has updated her twitter:

Before you stomp that puddle, just remember that puddles can't livejournal the shitty things that happen to them. PUDDLES CAN'T ONLINE CHAT.
December 10th, 2009
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He also abuses ellipses and goes Caps indiscriminately but it's neither here nor there. Total honesty? I'm just in it for the horn SPARKLES.
mayjah has updated her twitter:

CAUTION: This unicorn makes frequent stops.
December 9th, 2009
mayjah has updated her twitter:

When life hands you baby bird batter, squirt every last drop onto the bedroom ceiling. [this tweet is certified to be 100% euphemism-free]
mayjah has updated her twitter:

Probably skipping the star on top of my Christmas tree this year. He isn't even that funny and lately he's just been DEAD.
mayjah has updated her twitter:

@Jessabelle2o7 It also prevents me from fleeing on foot. At least daily. Let's toast to that! And 1 for Erin! Yes it's 9 a.m. Your point is?
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@mikemorrow Right? I don't need derisive Muppets, I have the internet to do that for me thank you very much.
mayjah has updated her twitter:

@girlmonkey Maybe his first name was Holdthe. Suddenly it makes sense. And he went into medicine for his dad, Extra, who had a heart attack.
mayjah has updated her twitter:

@mikemorrow ♬"I have wings and you don't have them. I have a wand! And you have none!"♪ Gee Abby, thanks for pointing out my inadequacies.
mayjah has updated her twitter:

Whoever decided to call it The Mayo Clinic really didn't think that one through.
mayjah has updated her twitter:

@expat_erin I don't think champagne counts as drinking. Because of its medicinal properties. Especially with a Jager chaser.
December 8th, 2009
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Just admiring this Japanese restaurant's storefront. Their fake noodles are pretty believable impastas.
mayjah has updated her twitter:

She pulls out her hair bows, loses a shoe, and poops in a fresh Pull-Up and suddenly it's *my* fault we're late? Oh hell no.
December 7th, 2009
mayjah has updated her twitter:

The cream of tartar worries me. If my Play-Doh ends up tasting fishy, so help me God.
mayjah has updated her twitter:

I guess now's a good a time as any to livetweet my first attempt at homemade Play-Doh. Settle down, settle down!
mayjah has updated her twitter:

Of course Los Angeles hates rain. All good Scientologists know the Wicked Witch of the West was actually a thetan.
December 6th, 2009
mayjah has updated her twitter:

Chillin. Just eatin some cereo. A bowlful of tear-soaked Lucky Charms with all the stars picked out. #thankyoutextism
mayjah has updated her twitter:

DMing the same people all day, every day, to say they're brilliant and that you adore them. What could possibly go wrong?
mayjah has updated her twitter:

Favstar? Maybe if the interface didn't make my nonexistent balls crawl up into my pelvic cavity.
mayjah has updated her twitter:

Used to drift in a sea of people, thinking I was the only freak. Til I washed ashore on Freak Island. You changed my life. #thankyoutextism
December 5th, 2009
mayjah has updated her twitter:

Won't it be cool if you get this as a DM? And you don't know if I'm asking *you* specifically to take your pants off? Because I am.
mayjah has updated her twitter:

Münchausen Syndrome by Proximity: The inability to go within 20 ft of the kitchen without eating something. Oh look! Cherry pop-tartpfth!
mayjah has updated her twitter:

@biorhythmist You're amusing my bouche. I suppose that's better than abusing my mouche. Oh crap, do I need "" "" 's for this?
December 4th, 2009
mayjah has updated her twitter:

It's not holding mommy's hand as much as arching away indignantly and clawing for escape with her free hand. No question she's mine.

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