|Do you change for better?
"When I was a high school student, I dreamed of having bangs. Eventually I had one on my freshman college and started to dislike my appearance with my forehead shown. That was years ago. Now I prefer both, with or without fringes, this is still me, and I don't mind."
There are many things I would like to change about myself. Frankly, it was hard to let go of my unbreakable habits since I've been this painfully timid. Well somehow, it still does appear randomly. But I realize I am growing up (and even if I completely haven't I need to), and I should appear less vulnerable by now, therefore, I would like to write the things that I have changed about myself from my distant past up to now. I am really in awe that everything was acceptable. But it's not about whether or not your change was decently acceptable. It was about how you firmly stood up for your choices and proving people that you are not that lame, lifeless dark silhouette who can only copy people's ideas and principles in life. You have your own film, use it wisely and beautifully, don't do something that you will regret.
I used to please people, now I got tired. I guess I realized that I could not be friends with six billion people in my current lifetime for all at once. Not everyone can see your kindness. Not all people to whom you've smiled to can smile back. Not everything you do will be appreciative for some. This is sad but true. Even so, I still try my best to be generous and lay a hand if I have a chance, but I refuse to extend my arm any further. I'm not too frigid, but my openings are not that frail either. I learned how to be keen and see who of these humans I am interacting with deserves to be pleased.
I used to have a strong outcry of emotions, now I can quite stifle the unwanted ones. Back then, I drench myself with tears for being a crybaby. I cry when I hear disturbing sounds late at night, crumpled my failed exam in my Geometry class way back then and tore it up, burned the illustrations I've made of my first love because of the bitter memories I could not accept that time, punched the wall when I could not withstand a cold war with my friend, broke a compact disc with my bare hands because of someone's infidelity, and a lot more I couldn't handle with my provocative thoughts during those moments. Truth is, I still am a crybaby. I still sob on my pillow late at night, but tomorrow I will decide to do something and avert my attention from grudges to self-acceptance. I can either draw, blog, play the keyboard, or have my self-time journey somewhere else. This is who I am now. A bit fragile at times, gets bent, and goes back to my old usual self once things get better. Feelings still do control me, but I send them out with a better outlet.
I used to tolerate my wimpy character, now I'd like to be seen bulletproof. Back then, I gravely tolerate and display my weaknesses towards people, letting my self despair and hopelessness radiate within my writings. I had my journal way back in high school and I remember those transparent entries, not that I am proud being an extremely depressed person that time, but I believed it was way cooler than being a mirthful and jolly kid back then. Until now, I have that wishy-washy character inside of me, and it usually reigns when I am on the rocks. But I will not let anyone see it. Unfortunately, I could not truly hide how I feel around the people who know me well. I'm just saying that, I'm no longer transparent now, rather, I'd like the world to see me finding my resolve and patching up my mistakes after a long rain, instead of soaking myself further with the useless downpour and not solve anything.
To be honest with whoever might be reading this, I have backspaced a lot of traits, and I have to admit there are still too many things that I keep changing about my usual self. One of them is to prolong my suffering towards something. For example, the time I spend to recover with my failed subject, or the heavy anchor I could not clamor out since I was a child. I was supposed to say that I no longer prolong it now and I decide immediately on what to do with my life, but this only goes for a subject failure, sometimes, it takes me longer to recover. Sometimes too, I agonize when reminiscing something, thus, making me unsure if I have really surpassed this one. Nevertheless, I've still accomplished it with another scenario.
I thought I am going to write a plenty of changes, and I realized my pending list. Some are still in progress, as I am still figuring things out. However, those three changes are the ones I am most confident of, because of my piled up experiences as a flawed human being. Take the time to contemplate, how much have you changed since that day?