Message From God: You know what you're like? Stop being like that.

Message From God: You know what you’re like? Stop being like that.

It’s not often that I get to pass along a message from God, but I can today. In summary it’s this: God One is getting mightily upset with us. Big time. And when God gets pissed off big time, well, watch out.

The Chief Sage Officer’s conversations with God One are usually quite congenial. They typically talk about sports and sex, but not in that order. However, last week God One lashed out in a furious monologue . He insisted that the CSO pass His message along to the masses verbatim.

Acting indirectly on the commandment of God One and directly on the insistence of my boss, the CSO, I’ve published the transcript of God One’s tirade below.

Message from God

My creations are becoming exceptionally annoying. That’s an understatement of astronomical proportions. And, trust me, nobody knows astronomical like I know astronomical. Believe Me!

Just to be clear, I’m talking about My human creations here. Many of My other creations are cute, cuddly and often quite entertaining. I enjoy having them around. They’re like pets to Me. Humans, on the other hand, well, I’m seriously beginning to think that creating them was by far My biggest blunder ever. And, in My case, ever covers one hell of a lot of ground.

My world used to be great. But then I created humans and it went all to hell.

First of all there’s their incessant praying. What a bunch of whiny, needy losers! I know absolutely everything that absolutely everyone needs and wants. That’s what being omniscient is all about. I’m a smart deity. I know things. Believe me.

If I had any inclination whatsoever to fulfill those needs and wants I’d do it. Take it as a given that if I haven’t done so, I’m not going to do so. My alleged Great Plan doesn’t include changing My plan. People need to stop asking Me to do things for them that I’m not already planning to do. Really. Stop it.

People nagging Me all of the time isn’t going to change My mind, except, maybe to piss Me off. And when I’m pissed off I’m even less likely to do stuff for the people who are pissing Me off.

And when people are not asking Me for crap, they’re praising Me and telling Me how great I am. How stupid do they think I am? I know what’s going on. They’re suck-ups of epic proportions. I wish they’d Stop trying to kiss My ass. It’s pointless. Deities don’t have asses.

Sure, I don’t have the self-esteem of some other Gods. But if puny little people, who are creations of My own metaphorical hand, think that they can boost My ego by telling Me how great I am then, clearly, I messed up the design of their brains even more than I thought I did. They don’t have anything to offer Me in the way of ego boosting.

But enough about prayers. I like  entertainment as much as the next God. At first, all of the wars, murders, rapes and so on were great action-adventure plays. I got a kick out of watching them. But after a few millennia of the same old crap, it gets tiresome. You know what I mean.

Find some other way to control your population. Wars and other random murders aren’t the most humane way to do that. Just saying.

While we’re on the topic of population control, I know that I once commanded people to “be fruitful and multiply.” But that was when there were only a few people on the entire Earth. I wanted to create a sustainable population without Me having to go to the bother of creating new people all of the time. It worked. In fact, it worked too well.

Now there are more than seven billion people on Earth. Enough already.

I thought I gave people brains. Maybe I was wrong about that because if they have them at all, they’re certainly not using them. Are people so stupid that they couldn’t figure out that there was a best-before date on My “be fruitful and multiply” commandment?

Really. Enough. I know I created a sex drive in people. That was necessary to keep the species going without Me having to recreate it. I probably should have put a control mechanism in that sex drive that throttled it back once the population reached a sustainable level. I didn’t. My bad. So, just to be clear, IT’S OK TO USE CONTRACEPTIVES! People are incredibly horny. I admit it; that’s my fault. Contraceptives are the best way to satisfy your God-given sex drives without crowding out the planet. Go for it.

And that the hell is all of that lying and cheating about?

I mean, OK. Politicians lie. Alright. They have to. I did such a piss poor job of designing people’s brains that no one could get elected if they told the truth. Voters will vote only for someone who promises stuff that’s impossible to deliver. Promise zero taxes (except for taxes on other people) and infinite services and the election’s yours, hands down. Unless, of course, the other candidates also promise zero taxes and infinite services. Then you’ve got a real fight on your hands.

So, yeah, I get it. Politicians have to lie to appeal to the completely irrational brains I gave people. But everyone else? How the hell does anyone trust anyone else with all of the lying and cheating going on? It’s ridiculous.

Well, that’s enough holy rage for today. It’s time to make My world great again. And if that includes barring all humans from it, well, so be it.

In summary, my message to My human creations is this: You know what you’re like? Stop being like that. Or else.

And that, my friends, is the message from God One. Please don’t shoot the messenger.