overwhelming

The End of a Winning Streak

Two and three weeks ago, things were simply marvelous. No depression, no hypomania, no mania, no anxiety. Once again, I felt like I’d been cured. Well, I’m definitely not cured. While I’m thrilled to say that that for the third week in a row I have experienced no depression and no mania. I’m not thrilled at all to tell you anxiety came back. It came back with a vengeance. The entire week was overwhelming.

Back in October, I was saying the same thing. I shared that I was overwhelmed by appointments and obligations. Considering last week was also overwhelming, I shouldn’t be surprised that anxiety came back. Looking at my schedule, it seems absurd that I would get so freaked out.

My Schedule

Here were my obligations last week:
Monday:
5:00 pm – Physical therapy
Tuesday:
6:30pm – Writer’s critique group
Wednesday:
5:00 pm – Physical therapy
Thursday:
6:30 pm – Dermatologist
Friday:
11:00 am – Psychiatrist
2:30 pm – Therapist

I wasn’t that damn busy! I had only one appointment each day except Friday. Only six obligations for the entire week. As you can see, on four of the days, all my appointments were in the evening, giving me a full day for other things, like writing, blogging, laundry, dishes, etc. It was all too much for me.

Fretting

I will pat myself on the back for getting the chores, like laundry, done, but my days weren’t pleasant. I fretted about each one. My physical therapist appointments are always at 5:00 pm. It doesn’t change. Yet, I spent a large portion of each day fretting, checking and rechecking my phone to make sure I had the time right.

I walked to most of those appointments which should have helped reduce my anxiety, but it didn’t. When I did have to take the bus, I shook like a chihuahua in January. I’m very familiar with the bus routes throughout my area, but that didn’t provide comfort when I needed it. With each bus stop I would check to see which stop was mine so I wouldn’t miss getting off. When the bus was moving, I’d stand so I could see each and every street we passed. I haven’t had that experience since I was first diagnosed over ten years ago. God knows I don’t want to go back to that.

Must I Talk About Friday?

Of course, Friday was the worst. I met my pdoc first and explained what was going on. He offered little advice as he was too busy bitching about his computer and technology in general Apparently the county sent someone to his office last week to give him extra training on his computer. Watching him fumble with it, he clearly did not learn much. The best part of my visit with him is that he suggested that I may be able to reduce my anxiety by using an old-fashioned paper planner that would go in my pocket, rather than using my phone. What the hell kind of help is that? I have no doubt that his suggestions wouldn’t have any effect on my anxiety.

The highlight of my overwhelming Friday was being called into the financial office at the county mental health clinic. As soon as I sat down I started hyperventilating. I distinctly remember last year being told by them that they had gotten me coverage from several different sources and therefore I had no share of cost. Apparently over the year that bit of information was lost and I now am being billed $800 for past payments. To say it was overwhelming would be a gross understatement. I’m still freaked out a bit.

I don’t know what I’m going to do about this anxiety spell. I guess I need to rush out and find a pocket sized planner. That apparently will give me peace of mind. Do they still sell those things?