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President Trumped by Webmaster: SoggyTrumpCard’s First Failure

Failed President: SoggyTrumpCard's supporter registers disappointment

Failed President: SoggyTrumpCard’s supporter registers disappointment

In my previous post I told you about the election of SoggyTrumpCard as our Prime Minister. As soon as she assumed office she tried to change a few things, starting with her job title. She wanted to be President, not Prime Minister. It didn’t go well.

SoggyTrumpCard got the idea for the change to the title of Shalampax’s head of government from Twitter. Twitter is where she gets most of her ideas. It’s her primary news and information source.

She also sometimes relies on wildly fabricated fake news sites, such as Infowars. But, they are typically too implausible for even SoggyTrumpCard to believe. And that’s saying a lot. She’s one of the most gullible and shallowest of people on the planet.

She uncritically believes practically everything she hears and reads. When confronted with contradictory evidence, she simply categorically believes whatever she heard or saw read most recently. This often results in her believing several mutually exclusive statements every day. She frequently flips her position 180 degrees as many as a dozen times a day—and occasionally more.

Fortunately, reading is a rare occurrence for her. Otherwise, changing her mind would consume all of her time, despite taking only an infinitesimal fraction of a second to unconsciously flip the neurons each time.

Twitter Rules

From Twitter, SoggyTrumpCard learned about the election of a xenophobic, misogynistic, race-bating, bombastic, lying, bullying jerk with the unlikely name of Donald Trump as President of the United States of America. Implausible as it might seem, she believed it. That may be because she admires all of those qualities because they make him appear to be a “man of the people.” And, the way SoggyTrumpCard sees it, appearances should and do always trump reality.

The similarity between “Trump” and “SoggyTrumpCard” triggered a thought in her feeble mind. Because her mind rarely experiences thoughts, she struggled with what to do with this one. She meditated on it for a few hours. Then she took an eight-hour nap. Finally, she decided that it must be a sign from one god or another. If a god made a Trump a president, then surely He, She or It wanted SoggyTrumpCard to be president too.

Try though she might, she couldn’t shake the thought.

It turned out to be not as easy as one would think to change the head of state job title from “Prime Minister” to “President.” And one would not think it terribly easy if one spent any time thinking about it. Then again, spending time thinking is rare for one, or even one billion.

Heads of Government and State

Shalampax has a parliamentary system. Our head of government is called Prime Minister, not President. Our head of state, on the other hand, is …

Well, actually, no one is quite sure who our head of state is or what his or her job title is. We know it’s someone. And we’re sure he or she holds a title of some kind. We just don’t know who it is and what his or her title might be.

Then again, no one here particularly cares. Head of state is mostly a figurehead position. There’s not as much opportunity to siphon off money as there is for a Prime Minister. So who the hell gives a damn?

Whatever. SoggyTrumpCard decided that it was the manifest destiny of Shalampax to become a republic with a President as its head of government and state.

Drunken Consensus

She presented the idea to the people of Shalampax at a government-sponsored, open-bar cocktail reception. After consuming copious alcohol, we all concurred with her proposal.

“Yessh,” we all slurred almost as one voice. “Whatever. Assh long as it doesn’t disshrupt the wine, beer and sshpirits sshupply.”

At first, some people did object to capitalizing the title “President.” They felt it should be spelled in all lowercase so as to not swell SoggyTrumpCard’s head. However, none of them could hold that thought past their third drink. Besides, she has an abnormally small head. She could benefit from a little head-swelling.

Prime Minister SoggyTrumpCard didn’t get far in advancing her dream of becoming President SoggyTrumpCard. The National Webmaster, of all people, thwarted her.

Webmaster Trumps President

The Shalampax national website includes a page describing our form of government. Shalampax’s national scholars—if one can consider barely achieving a high school education to be scholarly—consider that web page to be definitive and legally binding.

To change our nation from a parliamentary “democracy” with a Prime Minister as head of government to a republic with a President as head of government and state requires changing the web page. Therein lies the problem.

There are no legal or constitutional barriers to changing Shalampax to a republic from a parliamentary “democracy” with a President rather than a Prime Minister. The change of government structure can be made at the sole discretion of the official webmaster.

However, our national webmaster is on paid vacation leave. He’s been on paid vacation leave for the past three years. Nobody expects him to return anytime soon.

The webmaster is the only person who possesses the skills required to update that page. Even if someone else could do it, the government would have to pay him or her to do so. That might impinge on the national food, drinks, entertainment and graft budgets, which are inviolable under Shalampaxian law and custom.

Thus, Prime Minister SoggyTrumpCard will remain Prime Minister, not President. She hopes that won’t hinder her in emulating her new hero, soon-to-be President  Donald J. Trump.


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