Rastafarian Merger Proposed

Rastafarian Merger Proposed

The Chief Operating Officer of Infinitiaty has announced that he has entered into negotiations for a merger of the Infinitiaty and Rastafarian religions. The negotiations are at very early stage. They could still fail. However, the COO feels that both religions would benefit from this amalgamation.

The Chief Marketing Officer of Infinitiaty is particularly excited. She has commissioned surveys and conducted focus groups. Results suggest that, by incorporating marijuana into services, membership in the Infinitian religion will increase by between 57 and 73%. And that’s not counting the Rastafarians that will be brought into the religion directly through the merger. The explanation is that we’re way better at marketing than they are. And did I mention weed?

The CMO is also salivating over the prospect of generating additional revenues by selling marijuana in Infinitian churches.

Rastafarian Benefits

As the COO has undoubtedly pointed out to the negotiators on the other side many times, their religion would see several benefits as well.

For example, to date, they have not been very effective at convincing the authorities to grant their believers unconditional religious exemptions for marijuana use. Infinitiaty will be much better at that. We are larger. We are better organized. We have thousands of high-priced lawyers as either employees or on retainer. And we have a number of high-ranking politicians on our payroll as well. We will, thus, do a much better job of gaining religious exemptions for marijuana.

In addition, the far superior administrative and marketing skills of Infinitiaty will increase revenues to the merged Rastafarian faith.

Then there is the Gods multiplier effect. Right now, Rastafarians worship only one God along with a Messiah or two. When they join Infinitiaty they will be able to love and worship an infinite number of Gods. There is, literally, no earthly comparison.

Rastafarian Sacrifices

Of course, Rastafarians will have to forfeit some things if they join the Church of Infinitiaty. For example, the belief that Haile Selassie was a Messiah is totally incongruous with the Infinitian faith. They will have to give up that credo.

However, negotiators from the Church of Infinitiaty have offered to use their influence with lexicographers to get the word “selassie” added to the English language. Under this proposal, selassie would become a synonym for pious.

The negotiators think they would be pushing their luck trying to get two new words added to the dictionary. So they don’t think they could make a place for “haile” there. Nevertheless, “highly selassie” would mean “very pious.” Thus, at least phonetically, Haile Selassie would still be venerated in the English language.

There is one other sacrifice the Rastafarians would have to make. Make no mistake, this would not be a merger of equals. Because Infinitiaty is the larger, better organized, and more profitable religion, it would dominate after the merger. The Rastafarian brand and churches would, for the most part, the subsumed by Infinitiaty.

There would be exceptions. The Rastafari demand that their churches continue to operate independently under their own brands in areas where marijuana sales and use are already legal. They believe that there are not enough advantages to merging with Infinitiaty in those jurisdictions.

Negotiations are ongoing. They could go either way. The process is slow because negotiators on both sides of the table spend inordinate amounts of time giggling and running to the corner store to buy munchies. I will keep you posted.