I sat down today to write a blog post and realized I had a draft from many months ago that I never finished! Normally, I would have scrapped such a draft, or just left it for another day, or updated it to work with today, HOWEVER, it is not a memory or a moment I want to lose, so, I am going to publish it here today. i wrote this back in July of this year, over five months ago. It was written before we finished the house, before we moved in, before we got married in the backyard… wowser. Yeah, it is not a feeling, or a memory, or a moment I want to lose, so, I feel obligated to share it :)
My life has become one of constant motion where I simply cannot stand in an elevator but I must take the stairs, standing still has become impossible. Joe has become exactly the same and it is both a relief and an astonishment to me. This constant motion. I have never been one for constant motion, I’m more the type you want on your side because I will always come up with the most efficient way of doing everything and its not because I’m efficient it is because I am inherently lazy. Or at least I used to be. We have been renovating my grandma’s house since April of 2014, that’s fifteen months. (It is officially our house but I still refer to it personally as my grandma’s house, I probably either will always call it that or I will at least until we move in here in a couple of weeks.) In the beginning it was a head down to the plow kind of work environment, it was just what I did every day after work and on the weekends. But in my head I would complete something (large or small) and it would require a certain amount of recovery and celebratory time. This is no longer the case. We complete something and just move on to the next until the day is gone. Joe and I do this without words, he with other projects then I as opposed to one of us following the other around, needing the other to do something before we ourselves can move. We focus on different projects so the other doesn’t need to worry about them and we synchronize our efforts in a way that reminds me of dancers and that also seems miraculous to me.
Once I worked with someone who was lazy in a different way then me and would rather argue about what screws to use as opposed to doing any work at all. Joe and I have become scrappy and resourceful, wrong screws? We either get new ones or find something else that works that we already have. No arguing, no wasted time on despairing about our horrible luck. It is highly efficient. It is also as exhausting as it is awesome. I sit now (as opposed to constantly moving) only out of pain or tiredness but my brain never stops going on what next needs to be done. Sometimes my brain is out loud and Joe syncs with me and our brains run together on the same wave length. I hate that I have trouble relaxing now though, this constant motion has become a habit I have never before experienced. If I didn’t get done as much as I thought I would I have become interestingly hard to live with, antsy with what looks like energy to spare but it is only irritation and me bouncing in my head and ranting, “Common I need to finish that!!” I even find myself lacking the ability or desire to do anything besides working on the house. Anything meaning; being lovable, being easy, being able to enjoy my life besides because I feel like its all a waste of time, “We need to get the house done first!” But I am learning how to live with myself like this, learning to relax when the day is done and enjoy our down time even when, sometimes, it seems absolutely impossible. I know it is also necessary to keep sane and keep our bodies healthy enough to keep working.
We are very close. I finished the stain on the floors and will begin the first clear coat on them tonight. Painting is done so when the floors are done we just need to finish the trim and touch up before we can move in. I am astonished sometimes at what two people can do while still maintaining full time jobs besides. Workaholics. Slave drivers. Yes, but in a good way, in a way that is entirely for us, for our future. Joe is the man I never would have dared believe or hope ever existed, he is as dedicated as I am. He is also sacrificing everything, as I am, to get this done. Others in our age bracket are still out partying and, God knows, I miss my more care free days sometimes until I think back on them and then, yeah no, I don’t miss them at all. And some others have had some choice words for us and what we “should” be doing instead of working on the house and, God knows, some of the sacrifices have been hard on us both. “Shoulds” will wait for when we are finished on the house, which will be very soon. However, you all know how I feel about “shoulds” they simply do not apply to my life and Joe is beginning to follow my lead. If we want to do something, we do it, “should” does not exist. Joe has never wavered, his mission is our future and so is mine. Once this beautiful home is done we will have all the rest of our lives to do whatever we can imagine which is something we have said often and when one of us forgets it the other is always there to remind us. We have all the rest of our lives.
Now, we are enjoying the last part, the “All the rest of our lives” part of that post. And it has been an interesting learning curve, I learn surprising things every day now about us, this house and my husband. The house is far better in ways that I hadn’t anticipated, it is also a challenge in ways I had also not anticipated. I think I had a real tendency to think that once we got this year over with then everything would magically be “finished or “fixed” my back wouldn’t hurt anymore, I would sleep better etc etc. Of course, that is not how life works lol. The stress in my life has fallen considerably however it took me many many months for the realization of that to sink in. The habit of stress, constant motion and anxiety is really a strange one that took me long while to shake. In fact, I had moment of pure freak out for absolutely no reason, moments when I had to remind myself I no longer had a serious deadline to be worried about. The desire of constant motion remains embedded in me and I wouldn’t change it, however with winter now having fallen completely my need for constant motion has been well muted by my need to be warm (not outside in the very cold garage and working on a project in other words) so, I have found a little less motion and a little more comfort in these last few months, something I cherish and am very glad to have found.